Get Up and Go, Got Up and Went

   Well, today is our weekly dinner, and i have no drive to clean. i'm feeling better, but otherwise, would rather just sit in old comfy clothes, and not shower. But instead, i have to get my energy up to clean Our filthy kitchen, (which is the state it has been in for a week. i cannot believe Syr let me let it go!) the bathroom, shave, shower, lotion my self up, and wear something nice. i'm pretty sure Syr has let the house go like She has since neither one of Us has felt healthy enough to tackle it. But while She is at church, my job is to clean, not slack. But oh man, i wanna slack. 
   i am considering asking some new friends if they would like to read my blog. Although i am not sure about one or two of them. i know there are a few who would find it fascinating, but knowing that they wish to covet me away from Syr with half serious, half joking proposals, i am not sure they are the ones i want reading this. 
   There are a couple others i know would find it fascinating, but they badly want to be a part of Syr's and mine's world. And even though that is humbling and sweet, Syr and i are strictly monogamous. That means not only do we love only each other, it means i only serve my Syr, and She only plays with me. 
   These friends in particular mean a lot to me; i value their opinions, and i value their gentle hearts. i think i need to talk to Syr and see what She thinks. i am always dying for feedback. 
   Yesterday i ate my words-again. i insisted all day that i could provide Syr with a luscious, slow blow job to blow Her mind. i insisted i could fool around and have sex. Syr, from first thing in the morning, said "No! you're sick, you can't play or have sex!" Oh, but my little heart didn't want to hear that. 
   After pushing and teasing, and pestering Her all day, after dinner She finally said "Ok, now you can give me that blow job. Let's head to bed." Excitedly, i jumped on the bed, and settled between her legs. With my head bowed, that's when it began: sniff. sniff, sniff, sniffff. i looked up at Her with a frustrated scowl. And my Syr began to laugh. "What's wrong, little bear?" She asked. i dropped my head against Her stomach, and groaned my protest. i so wanted to be right!
   So instead we ended up talking a bit, and i read Syr a H.P. Lovecraft story aloud, since She was having trouble reading and concentrating on Her own book. And in the end, when i finally fell asleep, i knew it was a good thing i hadn't fooled around. As much as i didn't care for the facts, i knew it would have set me back again further. Sigh. i wish this damn cold were gone. i wanna get on with life, and better yet, life in a spotless house! Grrr!

Back In The Saddle

   i'm feeling better today, although Syr still refuses to have sex with me on account there may be some lingering sinus nastiness yet to rear its head. i am still a bit dizzy on my feet, but otherwise feeling much better. i am not really having to cough or blow my nose much; i think the amoxicillan is finally taking affect. Since We are back to restrictions on when i can and can't touch myself, i am seriously starting to get frustrated. Oh well for me!
   Tomorrow for our weekly Sunday dinner Syr is cooking a ham and a full chicken, rotisserie style. Our friend found the parts that go to the grill he gave us, so now we test it out tomorrow! That, with sweet corn on the cob and watermelon, should be a lovely dinner! i only hope it is not too hot so my Syr doesn't get sick in the heat.
   The house is still nice and cool with the air conditioner in the living room, so cleaning is no longer a hassle. But knowing Syr like i do, i don't believe She is going to let me do much still. 
   i am certainly learning to be a woman of leisure!

Bed Day

   Due to too much over exertion yesterday, i felt really rundown by the time Syr and i went to bed last night. She was disappointed that i did not listen to my sick self, and ask Her for help cleaning around the house. She said i put my servitude before Us a couple, and that wasn't right. i in turn tried to plead my case, that i really felt fine as i cleaned, being in a little servitude sub space. It wasn't until the end of the day i realized how run down i was. So Syr decided today is a bed day: i am not to leave bed unless going to the bathroom. So last night, i happily piled all my books, journals, word puzzles, and laptop next or on my night stand, and i am perched in bed.
   Syr said She will be making my favorite tuna fish and onion for lunch, and for dinner, homemade chicken noodle soup. She is so good to me, my little heart jumps for joy. 
   Last night We decided We would try more surrender of my control to Syr. i told Her it felt like a good time to test all waters. But i informed Her, that if this is going to last and feel right, i trust Her in going really slow with me. Like with my sobriety, We need to take this one moment, one instance at a time. And i am happy as a clam about it. i have never felt more ready to step into the pool of servitude, and taking Our time seems the right way to go. 
   i now ask her daily which scented lotions or sprays i should use when around the house, or going out. i also ask permission to go to the bathroom, and for eating. i am generally asking permission for everything, and so far it seems good.
   Syr wants me to start researching and working on a book of slave/submissive dialogue. There doesn't seem to be many books on the subject, and i want to find a way to speak with reverence and respect to Syr, even in Wife/wife mode. i like finding my submissive soul; it further calms my frustrations, and temper, and i can fall into the moment, like i can devotion to God, and surrendering negativity. 
   Even though i am already antsy and squirming in bed, i know it is for my own good, and Syr has my best interests at heart. i am a lucky wife, and an even luckier submissive!

Sometimes....

   Not that there have been many moments, but once in awhile, Syr frustrates me to no end. i may not have the life experience She does, but there have been moments i begged Her to try something different, due to my experience with it, and in turn, She refused. Then, when all was said and done, She lost out, not attempting a path i was pretty sure would benefit Her. 
   So, once again, We are at one of those crossroads with Her insurance, and the possibility of Botox for Her chronic migraines. The company that distributes the Botox called Syr, and asked Her if She can afford the whopping $1100 price tag. She said no. So instantly, She thinks She is denied. i have gently asked Her to at least call Her insurance company, just because they could tell Her first hand if She is denied or not. i once again tried to ask Her to check it out, and She let out Her exasperated sigh, the one that makes me want to scream out my frustration at Her. "Yes, I will call," She said in a tight, strained voice. That attitude makes me want to battle it out. But instead, i merely thanked Her, and left the bedroom. Why oh why can She not take my word once in awhile? With so many benefits She has lost out on, why does She not want to listen to me once in a while? It makes me feel insignificant. 
   i am trying to process it all, and i know i will have to sit and talk to Her later about my hurt and angry feelings. If nothing else, this is a lifelong lesson i have to get used to. Syr, is stubborn, and will always want to do things Her way, since that is the only way She has lived for so long. i wish it didn't have to be this way, but it may be a life lesson i have to swallow whole, and just accept. Sometimes.....

Just Another Day...

   Nothing to report today. Still groggy and dizzy from this stupid sinus infection. The house is a mess, but i really can't get anything done without Syr's help. So, until She is ready to clean, the house stays as is. It is driving me crazy! 
   Went to the Cinema last night, a first for Syr and i. There was both good and bad to it. The really good was the cat in residence that wanders around the theatre. She sat near Us and our friends for most of the movies. The first movie, "Cave of Forgotten Dreams" was about the Chevaus caves in France where they discovered the prehistoric cave paintings. From what i learned in art history, i knew there wasn't much to the caves. But they somehow dragged out the documentary for an hour and a half. The film crew was only allowed amature video cameras, and the filming quality screwed with Syr's head and mine. Their shaking and giggling of the camera, and the upside down shots gave us instantaneous headaches. There was one odd moment in the movie. It was almost Monty Python like. The shot is of a wild-looking elderly man sniffing rocks. You don't know why he is sniffing the rocks. Then he goes on to say he was president of France's perfuming community for 20 years. Then he gives one more sniff, and he is done. 
   The second movie was "There Be Dragons." And the movie itself was lovely. But the screenplay seemed written by a freshman in college. There were three story lines going on in the movie, and none of them were followed through. There were alot of holes that one couldn't fill in. But a plus to the movie was the historically accurate costumes and sets. That made me happy.
   After 3 and half hours, Syr's back and mine were screaming. The seats did Us no good. Not to mention it was VERY LOUD. By the time We and Our friends left, Syr and i were in rough shape. 
   Close to home, i joked with Syr how living in the city now we couldn't escape the bright street lights. She laughed and agreed, and We both endured in silence till We hit home.
   When We were finally in bed, We slammed both movies, and then i fell silent, as my throat and ears were still on fire. i think Syr had finally fell asleep.
   This morning, my back still tinges, and i am struggling to not fall over. But i am glad it is quiet in Our living room, save for the hum of the air!
   Syr is working with me on finishing up my step work for my sobriety journey. i am struggling on focusing and getting done. i am trying to do a bit each day, but then i get distracted. As long as i have it done by Friday, i'm good. For now, i am just going to lay low, and try not to fall over when i stand up.

Getting Back In The Saddle

   Oh my gosh, how much time has flown by since i last wrote? Many many months. i got lost in the worry of finances, hustling to doctor appointments, and struggling to make ends meet. Syr and i had been in a  pseudo-vanilla holding pattern as We both struggled with different aliments that seemed to come out of the blue.
   Syr has been struggling with chronic migraines for well over a year. They have affected Her every day living, and sadly have affected our quality of life.  If She is not bunched up in bed with Her head to the wall, She is asleep on the couch since that makes the headaches go away. When She cannot get in for a nerve blocker at our neurologist, She is unable to do much of anything, that including sex, or going for walks, two of Our favorite things to do. 
   So in turn, we have been laying low at home for months with the shades drawn. She restless and in pain, me worried and frustrated. If not for our friends coming by to hang out here and there, i think i would go insane.
   And that makes me feel bad. i hate getting frustrated with Syr. She knows Her health problems are what have held us back from a lot. And i know it makes Her frustrated and sad also. So when i get short and snappy, it does no good for either one of Us. 
   i have been having better days; as of late, i find myself throwing myself into daily household work and chores with zest, knowing it's not Syr's cup of tea. i find myself less and less resentful She does not think to offer to help, especially since She told me She knows i find comfort in this type of service. And when i think about it, i do enjoy what i do to make our house a home. Since coming to a great point in my sobriety and my personal mind set, i am finding i feel ready to start exploring more of my submissive side again. Syr has been so very patient with me, and in turn i have not been able to walk away from our BDSM path. i may not be able to take the corporal play as i once did,  but now We realize that even four or five beltings will bond us as 45 minutes of it used to. 
   There are days i will right on top of everything that Syr needs for the day, where appointments are, and making sure Her drinks are poured, and She has what She needs. And then there will be days i can't get it together for love or money. And that is all ok. i am a work in progress, i have a whole lifetime to get things down right. i have a Dominant who loves me, for everything i try to do for Her, and everything i strive to be is just right for the both of us. With this in mind, i think i am happily coming to a new chapter in the book of Our life together, and learning about the sweet submissive within me.

I'm Good Thanks, And Don't Mind The Nervous Brakedown

   Well, i know it's been a loong time since i have written, but life, as usual got in the way. Syr possibly has a job coming at the end of the month, and She took the civil service exam for the state. So, as usual, We are waiting and chomping at the bit.
   my faith in God has really pulled me through most of the stressful situations we have encountered in the last few months. But Friday, especially God came through when i would have otherwise lost it.
   Rhonda left Her temp job at the cemetery on Friday, only to have the brakes stop functioning as soon as She left the gates. May i just add We live just about 5 miles from said cemetery. i figured excitedly She was finally getting interviewed, but alas, no. As soon as She stepped through the door, She exclaimed "I only hit one person!" And, perplexed, and confused, i retorted with "What the fuck do you mean you only hit ONE person?" i waited impatiently as She caught her breath. 
   She explained to me what had happened. i was shaken to my core. There is NO way She should have made it home in one piece, let alone alive. The fact that the guy She hit was really cool about the bump, and left it at that, was also remarkable. As We stood for a moment, and i held onto Her tight, She wrestled free to check out the car. 
   A few minutes later, She came back, perplexed. She couldn't figure out where the problem was. my Wife has been a gear-head for over 20 years, and i could tell She was frustrated. The best She could deduct, was the catalytic converter blew, even though that didn't seem to be the problem, either. 
   As We sat down to figure out any options, We realized We were fucked. She hadn't received a bus pass for the month, and we only had $46 dollars in the bank account. As my stress level lept to massive bounds, my Wife helped calm me down, and face facts.
   1. There was absolutely nothing We could do about it.
   2. There was a reason this had happened, and that She came home alive.
   3. We needed to use Our "radical acceptance" skills.
   4. There was something to learn from this.
   So, amazingly, i got through the weekend, relatively uneurotic, or bitchy, amazing for me. i did lose it at my cousin and best friend's house. i hadn't cried over it, i just had kinda went into instant survival mode. So losing it was a healthy thing for me. 
   After a good cry, my beloved friend said she would pay for our car expenses. Wifey and i were floored, and stunned. Our friends have often in the last couple years we have known them, been beyond good to us, and helping us to have a semblance of normalcy. So, my Wife and i being the good broken children we are, felt immensely guilty and troubled over their generosity. We told them not only would we pay them back, but i would help them cleaning wise with anything they needed. Ever. my friend laughed and said i didn't have to do that, but i really mean it. 
   On top of everything, my best friend offered to take Wifey to work and back. i'm not sure how we got so lucky. 
   On the other hand, Wifey and i are trying to find our "happy medium" place with play. Right now, there is so much stress and nervousness, We haven't really been in a good head space for anything. We are hoping that the arrival of a job, and steady income will bring a happier, lighter, hornier attitude at our house.
   But it doesn't mean that i haven't busying my little submissive self with full time service to my Syr. That is one of the biggest things that brings me peace. And apparently, it works for my Wife as well. 
   Gotta get it where you can, eh?