Getting Back In The Saddle

   Oh my gosh, how much time has flown by since i last wrote? Many many months. i got lost in the worry of finances, hustling to doctor appointments, and struggling to make ends meet. Syr and i had been in a  pseudo-vanilla holding pattern as We both struggled with different aliments that seemed to come out of the blue.
   Syr has been struggling with chronic migraines for well over a year. They have affected Her every day living, and sadly have affected our quality of life.  If She is not bunched up in bed with Her head to the wall, She is asleep on the couch since that makes the headaches go away. When She cannot get in for a nerve blocker at our neurologist, She is unable to do much of anything, that including sex, or going for walks, two of Our favorite things to do. 
   So in turn, we have been laying low at home for months with the shades drawn. She restless and in pain, me worried and frustrated. If not for our friends coming by to hang out here and there, i think i would go insane.
   And that makes me feel bad. i hate getting frustrated with Syr. She knows Her health problems are what have held us back from a lot. And i know it makes Her frustrated and sad also. So when i get short and snappy, it does no good for either one of Us. 
   i have been having better days; as of late, i find myself throwing myself into daily household work and chores with zest, knowing it's not Syr's cup of tea. i find myself less and less resentful She does not think to offer to help, especially since She told me She knows i find comfort in this type of service. And when i think about it, i do enjoy what i do to make our house a home. Since coming to a great point in my sobriety and my personal mind set, i am finding i feel ready to start exploring more of my submissive side again. Syr has been so very patient with me, and in turn i have not been able to walk away from our BDSM path. i may not be able to take the corporal play as i once did,  but now We realize that even four or five beltings will bond us as 45 minutes of it used to. 
   There are days i will right on top of everything that Syr needs for the day, where appointments are, and making sure Her drinks are poured, and She has what She needs. And then there will be days i can't get it together for love or money. And that is all ok. i am a work in progress, i have a whole lifetime to get things down right. i have a Dominant who loves me, for everything i try to do for Her, and everything i strive to be is just right for the both of us. With this in mind, i think i am happily coming to a new chapter in the book of Our life together, and learning about the sweet submissive within me.

Really? This is supposed to be in the plans? Good one.

So i'm a writer. And lately, instead of creative genius flying out of my big brain, i have instead been writing out what plays in my life. My life is crammed full of crap i never dreamed about when playing house as a kid. i think, that if i had, my parents would have sent me to Catholic school for real, and not just threatened it. A little about myself. i am in love. i am in love with a Woman who is my soul mate, and best friend. A Woman who has helped me change my life for the better, and grow and heal with Her love. A Woman who helped me first find the magic in BDSM. A woman for whom i felt my first feelings and desires ever for submission. A woman who started out-as my boyfriend.
So, in the course of five years, Wifey and i have been through, and are currently struggling with issues no one seems able to help us with. Our friends are genetically paired with another genetic person, so in turn everyone often shakes their head and says "Wow. that really sucks." i don't think it would be so bad for me if i could at least find another genetic wifey to bitch and complain with. Because truly, how do women heal? Bitching to friends, shopping, eating way too much chocolate. It is indeed our cycle of life. Yet all is not lost. Not by a long shot. Wifey and i have honed our communication skills to a point where even Oprah would be proud. And through that, i especially have been able to see lights at the end of the tunnel. It just gets frustrating, sometimes.
So even though our ratio of good to bad times is luckily about 10 to 3, life is still full of questions, exploring, and interesting conversation. Why just now i went on a 20-minute rampage about how i would make Wifey suffer in eternity of She ever contemplated suicide. (Let me tell you, being brought up Catholic, it gives you fodder!) Amused, She assured me it would never happen. With or without stressors in our life, i get nervous when my Girl even chats casually about it.
Turning to a different page, my five years with my Wife have been for me personally, a constant journey of self-discovery. i have always thought i was a lone wolf. i mean, i didn't even get married until i was 32. Marriage was the last thing i wanted, let alone beginning a journey where i was called to..servitude. This particular subject has been a personal point of contention, an obsession, and a longing in my soul i have not been able to ignore. In turn, i have often made my own personal life experiences much more difficult than they ever needed to be in the first place. Why only now, after 5 years, i am just beginning to realize i have been my own biggest enemy and road block. my Wife, has been my calm, my rationale, and my reasoning when often i couldn't see reality even if it beat me upside the head.
The thought of submission until recently, felt more like a desperate urge, rather than desire or need. i had grown up, and in turn dated people who did nothing but control me, use me, and threaten my security if i dare try to be myself. Then i met my Wife, who enraged all of them, because She was the first to help me find my voice. i thought, at the beginning of our relationship because of the freedom she was leading me too, that the innate urge to serve and be submissive were automatic responses of gratitude for her love and safety. Even though She repeatedly said otherwise, i endlessly thought it was owed to her. In turn, there was much passive aggressiveness, pouting, temper tantrums, and shut downs, little play, and lost moments of bonding. (Not listening = suck big time.)
In the last year, however, i have been doing a lot more inner spring cleaning. i have also began to find strength in God. Not the God i grew up forced to submit to and fear, but my version of God, loving and compassionate. And in turn, i have sloowly began to see what was before me all along. That the quiet urge, the silent need, the gentle pushing came from within. i had found someone who respected every fiber of my being, and walked with me on my path rather than ever leading. The first person i was ever able to express anger or displeasure in front of without fear of being abandoned. i was realizing the urge to submit was always there, but refused to emerge with angry, unsafe people. Yet when i found an Individual who loved me unconditionally, and believed in my potential, the urgings i thought i owed her were not out of necessity to pay her back, but desires to let my true self blossom-and love Her as i could best.
i guess the moral is actually stop and listen to others when they're trying to reach you. If we can find the tools to silence our troubled selves and hear the truth from others, then that's when we can take flight. Otherwise, you just stare down the same immense brick wall that's always been there and you scream. If you're not willing to see the rope dangling in front of you, then i hope you enjoy the view. Quite honestly, the view is crappy.