...so! let's try this again, a different way, for completely different reasons.

  i was not at all surprised to see i had not posted anything in about three years. at the time of the last blog, i was pretty much stumbling around in an angry, confused daze, making life most unpleasant for everyone around me, including myself.

  i was not comfortable telling the world of my heart's desires to serve my Wife, simply because i was not comfortable in my own skin. so in my opinion, my blog reflected my life; stumbling, lost, disconnected.

  in the last three years, the Universe has graced me with a lot, but some of the biggest are the ability to truly begin to trust and love my Wife (whom i also refer to as Maker, or Beest,) and to begin to trust and love myself; a leap of faith that i have yearned for for almost 40 years.

  in these growth spurts, i have had to work so very hard at letting go of what i cannot control or create, (which sucks for a German control freak, i mean, seriously.) and learn in the process of letting go to find grace with everyday life, including the grace of being alive. 

  on one hand, i am amazed how hard it is to be gentle with ourselves. on the other hand, it doesn't strike me as strange that i identify purely as a submissive soul. in fact, my Maker and i refer to me as Her pet, because of the very nature of our relationship.

  Maker is 11 years older than me, but is so positive and full of joy, i have never felt the difference. Her devotion, protection, and adoration of me over the past 10 years has been clearly evident since our first date when i..um..passed out in Her lap. She leads a 24/7 sober life, and in turn has been a mentor and a role model for facing my own addictions, mainly food. 

  the desire to "meet Her halfway" so our marriage and relationship are more balanced has been my goal ever since. and i feel proud to say (shyly) i know i am beginning to meet Her on life's and Love's terms finally. it is damn hard, annoying work. but when i can look in Her eyes, and say "i love You" or "i'm sorry," with no self shame, it is worth it. and knowing i make Her proud of me sustains me like no one else ever has.

  you see, i had lived a pretty isolated, hurting life up until i met Maker. and then getting to know Maker, i found She had as well. meeting someone who understands loneliness and heart brake really helps to grow a fast bond. and bond with my Maker i have.

  in the 10 years i have stumbled around, sometimes blindly, sometimes too aware, my Maker has been a wise and protective Domme. She has known when to push me, and when to hold me and let me (or make me) cry. She has supported my insecurities, lauded any and all efforts, and called me on my shit everytime i was out of line. (not just in our D/s life, but in the day-to-day grind.) 

  but what makes Maker such an ideal Wife, and Domme, is her wisdom to not interfere in my self discovery and growth. rather She steps back, quietly observes, and offers guidance when i am truly faltering. this in turn (i have begun to realize) is the very reason i am more confident in myself, making decisions, and learning to trust my own opinions, ideas, and choices. She has, in Her brilliant way, helped me find my voice, and make me realize i want to answer only to Her everyday, with confidence and loving devotion full of joy and love-fire.

  so that brings me back to this here simple little blog. i am going to learn how to promote it, to spread the word, and to put my self out in the Internet bloggosphere-no matter how scary it feels. it builds confidence, character, and i'm told will put hair on my teeth.

   beginning my blog again had another point as well. i have grown frustrated with the fact that i never can find bloggers who identify as "pets" without an animal reference or lame references to "fake kink play" thrown in. part of the reason i adore the bdsm subworld is the fact that most people try to identify with the traditional "old guard" mindsets, and then find where they curl up and fit in just right.

  the facts for me and my life: i see myself as a pet. a pet who loves, adores, worships, idolizes, and yearns to be around her Wife, Maker, Beest 24/7. yet because of our life experiences and lifestyles, we alter it to fit within everyday confines, and ensure we are taking care of our selves mentally, spiritually and emotionally. 

  my every waking moment revolves around doing and serving my Wife, and adoring and nurturing our feline love child. i would most desire to simply be kept at home, and only go out with Maker when She chooses. unfortunately though, with social phobias to deal with, Maker knows that would not help me to grow as a stable devoted pet; rather i would regress, and the unknown fears would drown me.

  the more i came to realize this, i began to see that a "traditional" D/s relationship would not work. rather, learning to work with our strengths instead of struggling with the weaknesses, we end up creating a lovely hybrid relationship that works for us.

  i by no means see myself as a slave in the near future. it seems far too scary, and (in O/our eyes) it unfortunately would alter how hard we have worked to connect. however, living submissively, devotedly 24/7 with guidelines that dictate open communication and respect sounds blissfully ideal to both of U/us, and actually feel and seem manageable. and manageable is good!

  so for those of you who find my blog, i thank you, and i am open to any interchange, or questions. i sincerely feel one cannot grow without learning about other's experiences. and besides, i too have many, many questions unasked myself. namaste <3 font="">

Getting Back In The Saddle

   Oh my gosh, how much time has flown by since i last wrote? Many many months. i got lost in the worry of finances, hustling to doctor appointments, and struggling to make ends meet. Syr and i had been in a  pseudo-vanilla holding pattern as We both struggled with different aliments that seemed to come out of the blue.
   Syr has been struggling with chronic migraines for well over a year. They have affected Her every day living, and sadly have affected our quality of life.  If She is not bunched up in bed with Her head to the wall, She is asleep on the couch since that makes the headaches go away. When She cannot get in for a nerve blocker at our neurologist, She is unable to do much of anything, that including sex, or going for walks, two of Our favorite things to do. 
   So in turn, we have been laying low at home for months with the shades drawn. She restless and in pain, me worried and frustrated. If not for our friends coming by to hang out here and there, i think i would go insane.
   And that makes me feel bad. i hate getting frustrated with Syr. She knows Her health problems are what have held us back from a lot. And i know it makes Her frustrated and sad also. So when i get short and snappy, it does no good for either one of Us. 
   i have been having better days; as of late, i find myself throwing myself into daily household work and chores with zest, knowing it's not Syr's cup of tea. i find myself less and less resentful She does not think to offer to help, especially since She told me She knows i find comfort in this type of service. And when i think about it, i do enjoy what i do to make our house a home. Since coming to a great point in my sobriety and my personal mind set, i am finding i feel ready to start exploring more of my submissive side again. Syr has been so very patient with me, and in turn i have not been able to walk away from our BDSM path. i may not be able to take the corporal play as i once did,  but now We realize that even four or five beltings will bond us as 45 minutes of it used to. 
   There are days i will right on top of everything that Syr needs for the day, where appointments are, and making sure Her drinks are poured, and She has what She needs. And then there will be days i can't get it together for love or money. And that is all ok. i am a work in progress, i have a whole lifetime to get things down right. i have a Dominant who loves me, for everything i try to do for Her, and everything i strive to be is just right for the both of us. With this in mind, i think i am happily coming to a new chapter in the book of Our life together, and learning about the sweet submissive within me.

And have you been a good little submissive this year?

Ha, ha, ha! Now THAT'S funny! How do you come up with funny questions?!? But all joking aside, not well, really. But i'm feeling much better, thank you! i mean i have come to many self discoveries, mainly that this innate feeling to serve and be submissive just won't die. And it's past feeling like i am just sad because i cannot please Rhonda. (the lovely Wifey's name, FYI.) It is now an urge like i know i need it as well. i just want to serve Her. the words hang in every thought, and hide behind everything i say to Her. At the same time, stupid feelings such as "Well, i don't want to put all this trouble, time and effort into it if i don't get something out of it," come oozing to the surface, and my Wife nips it in the bud by saying "That is NOT why you should want to serve. It'll never work. you say you have a desire to be submissive. But if you don't do it for the right reasons, to find inner peace, and to please me, I don't want you to do it at all."
THEN, of course, i feel devastated, like i broke another secret rule in the book on How to be a Super, Duper, Fantastic, Uber submissive. Like i am no farther ahead than i was five years ago. But that kinda thinking destroys any progress; stops it dead in it's tracks. The truth is, even with all the long term sexual problems we have been having, when i finally get rid of my snotty resentments, what i am left with is still wanting to serve my Wife, honor my Wife, make my Wife happy. i want my devotion to show every minute of the day besides in love emails, after sex, or if i happen to be in a good mood. And, as usual, the feelings are ever more prevalent, day after day. I have been trying to choke them, stifle them, smother them with a down pillow, even take 'em out back and shoot 'em in the head. But there they sit, patiently. Like, like a life changing stalker. (I'm trying to make it look scary. Is it working?) The persistence is getting louder and harder to ignore. i would like to add that affordable professional guidance from a therapist trained to deal with lifestyle relationships would be totally freaking awesome, but for now like with all else, i have to make due with what i have at hand. my voice, my writing, my honesty to my patient Wife and with myself. Especially the gentle, patient Wife part, who never tells what she may or may not desire, except for me to be "happy, find my true self and find some peace." i know. i ask myself too why i am such a hose beast to someone who has always has my best interests at heart.
Struggling submissive minds are like tricky, sneaky little ferrets. We always desire, our desire is obsessive, yet we never once get our desired reaction and feeling head on. We kinda go on an alternate, manic, ADHD, silly, stubborn resistant way. And like the ferret, i too hope i find where my secret stash of dream socks are, and revel in them.

So cute, but kinda stoopid.