...so! let's try this again, a different way, for completely different reasons.

  i was not at all surprised to see i had not posted anything in about three years. at the time of the last blog, i was pretty much stumbling around in an angry, confused daze, making life most unpleasant for everyone around me, including myself.

  i was not comfortable telling the world of my heart's desires to serve my Wife, simply because i was not comfortable in my own skin. so in my opinion, my blog reflected my life; stumbling, lost, disconnected.

  in the last three years, the Universe has graced me with a lot, but some of the biggest are the ability to truly begin to trust and love my Wife (whom i also refer to as Maker, or Beest,) and to begin to trust and love myself; a leap of faith that i have yearned for for almost 40 years.

  in these growth spurts, i have had to work so very hard at letting go of what i cannot control or create, (which sucks for a German control freak, i mean, seriously.) and learn in the process of letting go to find grace with everyday life, including the grace of being alive. 

  on one hand, i am amazed how hard it is to be gentle with ourselves. on the other hand, it doesn't strike me as strange that i identify purely as a submissive soul. in fact, my Maker and i refer to me as Her pet, because of the very nature of our relationship.

  Maker is 11 years older than me, but is so positive and full of joy, i have never felt the difference. Her devotion, protection, and adoration of me over the past 10 years has been clearly evident since our first date when i..um..passed out in Her lap. She leads a 24/7 sober life, and in turn has been a mentor and a role model for facing my own addictions, mainly food. 

  the desire to "meet Her halfway" so our marriage and relationship are more balanced has been my goal ever since. and i feel proud to say (shyly) i know i am beginning to meet Her on life's and Love's terms finally. it is damn hard, annoying work. but when i can look in Her eyes, and say "i love You" or "i'm sorry," with no self shame, it is worth it. and knowing i make Her proud of me sustains me like no one else ever has.

  you see, i had lived a pretty isolated, hurting life up until i met Maker. and then getting to know Maker, i found She had as well. meeting someone who understands loneliness and heart brake really helps to grow a fast bond. and bond with my Maker i have.

  in the 10 years i have stumbled around, sometimes blindly, sometimes too aware, my Maker has been a wise and protective Domme. She has known when to push me, and when to hold me and let me (or make me) cry. She has supported my insecurities, lauded any and all efforts, and called me on my shit everytime i was out of line. (not just in our D/s life, but in the day-to-day grind.) 

  but what makes Maker such an ideal Wife, and Domme, is her wisdom to not interfere in my self discovery and growth. rather She steps back, quietly observes, and offers guidance when i am truly faltering. this in turn (i have begun to realize) is the very reason i am more confident in myself, making decisions, and learning to trust my own opinions, ideas, and choices. She has, in Her brilliant way, helped me find my voice, and make me realize i want to answer only to Her everyday, with confidence and loving devotion full of joy and love-fire.

  so that brings me back to this here simple little blog. i am going to learn how to promote it, to spread the word, and to put my self out in the Internet bloggosphere-no matter how scary it feels. it builds confidence, character, and i'm told will put hair on my teeth.

   beginning my blog again had another point as well. i have grown frustrated with the fact that i never can find bloggers who identify as "pets" without an animal reference or lame references to "fake kink play" thrown in. part of the reason i adore the bdsm subworld is the fact that most people try to identify with the traditional "old guard" mindsets, and then find where they curl up and fit in just right.

  the facts for me and my life: i see myself as a pet. a pet who loves, adores, worships, idolizes, and yearns to be around her Wife, Maker, Beest 24/7. yet because of our life experiences and lifestyles, we alter it to fit within everyday confines, and ensure we are taking care of our selves mentally, spiritually and emotionally. 

  my every waking moment revolves around doing and serving my Wife, and adoring and nurturing our feline love child. i would most desire to simply be kept at home, and only go out with Maker when She chooses. unfortunately though, with social phobias to deal with, Maker knows that would not help me to grow as a stable devoted pet; rather i would regress, and the unknown fears would drown me.

  the more i came to realize this, i began to see that a "traditional" D/s relationship would not work. rather, learning to work with our strengths instead of struggling with the weaknesses, we end up creating a lovely hybrid relationship that works for us.

  i by no means see myself as a slave in the near future. it seems far too scary, and (in O/our eyes) it unfortunately would alter how hard we have worked to connect. however, living submissively, devotedly 24/7 with guidelines that dictate open communication and respect sounds blissfully ideal to both of U/us, and actually feel and seem manageable. and manageable is good!

  so for those of you who find my blog, i thank you, and i am open to any interchange, or questions. i sincerely feel one cannot grow without learning about other's experiences. and besides, i too have many, many questions unasked myself. namaste <3 font="">

I always go back to what I know

   Good times! Syr (Yes, i am going to try to use the name more again,) and i have been slowly edging back to our BDSM life. The last few days have been awfully lovely; with small whippings, and more spankings than i could possibly remember. Syr has been doing part-time work with landscapers, so She is working heavy equipment for several hours a day. The result? A stronger arm for heavier croppings and spankings....(yay!) 
  
   i begged Syr to bring up the play idea if i do not mention it throughout the day. i usually would forget, and be wrapped up in my own little world. The result that comes from no regular play, or being put in my place, everything else suffers, and i become intolerable. At least i think i am intolerable. The more committed Syr and i are to nurturing my need for submission i feel W/we could get to a really lovely place in our life. It doesn't help i keep forgetting my appointments with my therapist. She is a terrific therapist, and could really help me to move forward and leave the past in the past but until i am weaned off this last mood stabilizer, my memory sucks. i know. i need a day planner. 
   
   At the moment, Syr is slowly waking up from night's slumber. And She looks absolutely breathtaking in the early morning light. Her skin is so smooth and supple, and Her curves just take my breath away. She is always a lovely sight to behold! i only wish i could jump on Her and attack Her with love and my need. But unfortunately She has to work this morning, so no attacking, no pouncing. Just staring with longing, and trying to will 2:30 to come quick. 
   
   School starts in less than 4 weeks. And part of me is excited, and another part wants more time with Syr, our friends, and to just laze around more. my brain is not really being challenged, unless i pick up a word problem book, or play mah-jong. So, i am looking forward to tweaking my brain on a daily basis. 
   
   i'm really out of my mind with lust for Syr. W/we got back into ass play last night, and i am on such a high. After Her orchiectomy, we really stopped utilizing my ass so much, so fast forwarding almost three years later, to get back into it really gets me going. W/we had tried off and on in the past, but it just wasn't working for me. i am an unusual girl. i can orgasm several times being fucked up the ass. i never have vaginally. i have always been curious what exactly makes it so good for me, but if i never find out, it won't be any hardship. And the way Syr looks at me as She is playing with me, i feel so loved, so wanted, so sexy. Lately, the sex hasn't been frequent, but it has been extremely intense, leaving me wanting more. i have heard the longer you're with someone, the quantity may wane, but the intensity only gets stronger. And it is so true, and so worth it.
  
   i have been working on my food abstinence and exercise for the last week. i am starting to feel a little more energized, and i like it. On Friday, i spent 2 and a half hours walking through our city's massive Victorian cemetery. i had a blast. The tomboy in me scrambled, climbed, slid, walked and trekked through the gorgeous secluded landscape, and beautifully carved tombstones. I relished the quiet, rare cool of the August morning. It was a hint of what fall has in store. A few pictures i took actually showed the brilliance of the turning leaves. The red and yellow was such a lovely contrast around the ivory and gray stones. But the morning in the cemetery started a trend with me; i now am trying to challenge myself to push a little harder with my workouts, see how far i can go to hit extreme fatigue. i am eating good foods as well: tofu, veggies, more lean meats. i really have no choice though. A new doctor feels i may have developed a gluten/diary intolerance. That would explain the massive headaches after i ate chips or processed bologna. Although i will miss my delicious German bologna, it has been a blessing overall to develop these problems. i have mentioned before i am a food/sugar addict. So for me my God is doing what i just could not do myself. And guess what? No headaches, no cramping, no pain, no nausea. i am a happy camper. And i already feel better when it comes to interacting with my Wife. When i eat better, and exercise, i always feel sexier, and i am more apt to do a little strip tease for her, or give her a lap dance. When i am taking care of myself, i want to play more, i want to be more submissive, i just feel so good! i guess i have a theme here!
  
   it's almost time to work out with my best friend. Although she only goes 40 minutes, in that time i can get one hell of a workout. i will do random hills on the treadmill or bike at level 9 or 11. Or, if my knees are doing okay, i will do 45 minutes on the elliptical. Either way, i am geared up, and ready to go. Perhaps it will make 2:30 come that much quicker!

And have you been a good little submissive this year?

Ha, ha, ha! Now THAT'S funny! How do you come up with funny questions?!? But all joking aside, not well, really. But i'm feeling much better, thank you! i mean i have come to many self discoveries, mainly that this innate feeling to serve and be submissive just won't die. And it's past feeling like i am just sad because i cannot please Rhonda. (the lovely Wifey's name, FYI.) It is now an urge like i know i need it as well. i just want to serve Her. the words hang in every thought, and hide behind everything i say to Her. At the same time, stupid feelings such as "Well, i don't want to put all this trouble, time and effort into it if i don't get something out of it," come oozing to the surface, and my Wife nips it in the bud by saying "That is NOT why you should want to serve. It'll never work. you say you have a desire to be submissive. But if you don't do it for the right reasons, to find inner peace, and to please me, I don't want you to do it at all."
THEN, of course, i feel devastated, like i broke another secret rule in the book on How to be a Super, Duper, Fantastic, Uber submissive. Like i am no farther ahead than i was five years ago. But that kinda thinking destroys any progress; stops it dead in it's tracks. The truth is, even with all the long term sexual problems we have been having, when i finally get rid of my snotty resentments, what i am left with is still wanting to serve my Wife, honor my Wife, make my Wife happy. i want my devotion to show every minute of the day besides in love emails, after sex, or if i happen to be in a good mood. And, as usual, the feelings are ever more prevalent, day after day. I have been trying to choke them, stifle them, smother them with a down pillow, even take 'em out back and shoot 'em in the head. But there they sit, patiently. Like, like a life changing stalker. (I'm trying to make it look scary. Is it working?) The persistence is getting louder and harder to ignore. i would like to add that affordable professional guidance from a therapist trained to deal with lifestyle relationships would be totally freaking awesome, but for now like with all else, i have to make due with what i have at hand. my voice, my writing, my honesty to my patient Wife and with myself. Especially the gentle, patient Wife part, who never tells what she may or may not desire, except for me to be "happy, find my true self and find some peace." i know. i ask myself too why i am such a hose beast to someone who has always has my best interests at heart.
Struggling submissive minds are like tricky, sneaky little ferrets. We always desire, our desire is obsessive, yet we never once get our desired reaction and feeling head on. We kinda go on an alternate, manic, ADHD, silly, stubborn resistant way. And like the ferret, i too hope i find where my secret stash of dream socks are, and revel in them.

So cute, but kinda stoopid.

Really? This is supposed to be in the plans? Good one.

So i'm a writer. And lately, instead of creative genius flying out of my big brain, i have instead been writing out what plays in my life. My life is crammed full of crap i never dreamed about when playing house as a kid. i think, that if i had, my parents would have sent me to Catholic school for real, and not just threatened it. A little about myself. i am in love. i am in love with a Woman who is my soul mate, and best friend. A Woman who has helped me change my life for the better, and grow and heal with Her love. A Woman who helped me first find the magic in BDSM. A woman for whom i felt my first feelings and desires ever for submission. A woman who started out-as my boyfriend.
So, in the course of five years, Wifey and i have been through, and are currently struggling with issues no one seems able to help us with. Our friends are genetically paired with another genetic person, so in turn everyone often shakes their head and says "Wow. that really sucks." i don't think it would be so bad for me if i could at least find another genetic wifey to bitch and complain with. Because truly, how do women heal? Bitching to friends, shopping, eating way too much chocolate. It is indeed our cycle of life. Yet all is not lost. Not by a long shot. Wifey and i have honed our communication skills to a point where even Oprah would be proud. And through that, i especially have been able to see lights at the end of the tunnel. It just gets frustrating, sometimes.
So even though our ratio of good to bad times is luckily about 10 to 3, life is still full of questions, exploring, and interesting conversation. Why just now i went on a 20-minute rampage about how i would make Wifey suffer in eternity of She ever contemplated suicide. (Let me tell you, being brought up Catholic, it gives you fodder!) Amused, She assured me it would never happen. With or without stressors in our life, i get nervous when my Girl even chats casually about it.
Turning to a different page, my five years with my Wife have been for me personally, a constant journey of self-discovery. i have always thought i was a lone wolf. i mean, i didn't even get married until i was 32. Marriage was the last thing i wanted, let alone beginning a journey where i was called to..servitude. This particular subject has been a personal point of contention, an obsession, and a longing in my soul i have not been able to ignore. In turn, i have often made my own personal life experiences much more difficult than they ever needed to be in the first place. Why only now, after 5 years, i am just beginning to realize i have been my own biggest enemy and road block. my Wife, has been my calm, my rationale, and my reasoning when often i couldn't see reality even if it beat me upside the head.
The thought of submission until recently, felt more like a desperate urge, rather than desire or need. i had grown up, and in turn dated people who did nothing but control me, use me, and threaten my security if i dare try to be myself. Then i met my Wife, who enraged all of them, because She was the first to help me find my voice. i thought, at the beginning of our relationship because of the freedom she was leading me too, that the innate urge to serve and be submissive were automatic responses of gratitude for her love and safety. Even though She repeatedly said otherwise, i endlessly thought it was owed to her. In turn, there was much passive aggressiveness, pouting, temper tantrums, and shut downs, little play, and lost moments of bonding. (Not listening = suck big time.)
In the last year, however, i have been doing a lot more inner spring cleaning. i have also began to find strength in God. Not the God i grew up forced to submit to and fear, but my version of God, loving and compassionate. And in turn, i have sloowly began to see what was before me all along. That the quiet urge, the silent need, the gentle pushing came from within. i had found someone who respected every fiber of my being, and walked with me on my path rather than ever leading. The first person i was ever able to express anger or displeasure in front of without fear of being abandoned. i was realizing the urge to submit was always there, but refused to emerge with angry, unsafe people. Yet when i found an Individual who loved me unconditionally, and believed in my potential, the urgings i thought i owed her were not out of necessity to pay her back, but desires to let my true self blossom-and love Her as i could best.
i guess the moral is actually stop and listen to others when they're trying to reach you. If we can find the tools to silence our troubled selves and hear the truth from others, then that's when we can take flight. Otherwise, you just stare down the same immense brick wall that's always been there and you scream. If you're not willing to see the rope dangling in front of you, then i hope you enjoy the view. Quite honestly, the view is crappy.