Too Much Time

   Too much time has gone by since Syr and i have played, or even lived in our BDSM roles. i know it was a collection of things, but i am really trying to get some semblance back in our lives. my Wife is so very patient; She will wait for me to find my way no matter what. But i am really looking to find little things we can keep going everyday.

   One of the problem with me is my rapid cycling. i have bipolar, and i cycle a million times a day. Well, maybe not a million, but sometimes it stresses both me and the Wife out. And even though i go in to the start of a new day eager to please my Wife, i find myself getting edgy or ragged by the afternoon, mid evening. i am not sure if this is more that can be worked on in therapy, or if this is truly an issue my Wife and i will have to learn to deal with. 

   Speaking of therapy, i have started with a wonderful therapist. Even though i go to a clinic, she is the first therapist to actually learn more about the life i lead with a transgendered woman, and to learn more about the BDSM lifestyle. She said she'll have to do a lot of research, since everything a submissive woman wants, is the exact opposite of what she is supposed to show us. But she is gracious, and i am so pleased she wants to find effective ways to help me. i have a lot of hope for clearing my head and growing even more. And the more i get healthy and grow, the more i am connected to my God, the easier i can fill my submissive role with ease, happiness, and a pure, singing heart.

   My mother and grandmother are supposed to be coming over today. It was a real surprise, and it means the world to me. Even though i am not close to my mom as much as i used to be, she hasn't initiated a visit in some time, so i feel good knowing she is trying to reach out the best she can. Also, i get to see my grandma, hopefully even my grandfather. (squeals of joy!)

   Dear Wife is struggling with infected incisions from Her gallbladder surgery. Our MD called them "fistulas," and they aren't pretty. my poor Love looks like She has holes in Her belly. And She never complains. i have so much i could learn from Her. So i have been cleaning out Her insicisons twice a day, and making sure She takes Her antibiotic. We really need to get some gauze, and the band aids don't dry anything out. Gross. Moving on...

   i have walked again today. Yesterday was my first day out in quite some time. i also did a lot of abdominal floor exercises too, but today, i am already feeling it. i don't know if that's a sign i am getting old, or it's a sign i need to go a little slower. Either way, my mind keeps wanting to act and perform like it was still 20, and my body says, "i don't think so, jack-ass." But today i discovered in the development across the street some awesome, steep hills. And it was a lovely, tiring time. Wife has been strongly urging me to start working on my fitness and eating. i am a sugar addict, and so i still struggle with the "giving up to God" part. It is frustrating, though, since i let my God take over in every other part of my life. i do come from a controlling family, so i figure it will take awhile...

   When i wake the Wife, i think i am going to ask Her for a belting, paddling, or spanking, Her decision. i miss the contact with Her, and i miss the sparks that fly between us. i miss Us, being Us. No matter what, i need Her, and i will try my best to speak up so She knows i am ready, and at Her disposal. 

Been So Long, And i Feel So Lost....

   It's been awhile since i have written any of my thoughts down. But i will keep you (and myself) up on what has been (or not been,) going on.

  i have had a hard time focusing, remembering and asking for what i should need so i can get used to them: (spankings, whippings, paddlings, beltings,)  i have absolutely not been on the ball with keeping the house up, or sitting at Syr's feet, or being generally more compliant. 

  i am so off, i am ready to beat myself.

  i know it's because i am not working on my head innards. i haven't been journaling, staying positive, getting to my therapist, or stayed focused on my future goals, even showing gratitude for anything Syr has tried to do. i am struggling to stay focused on my God, and i am failing there as well. i need to do a lot of head work.

   i already knew it, just had to put it to the Internet universe...

Back To The Grind...

   Oh, it's been a distracting few days, to say the least. A mouthy submissive, and a house that is well within the parameters of messy. i am so annoyed with myself that it happened so quickly, but here i am, and here we are. 

   Because Syr hasn't felt well the last few days due to her surgery stitches giving Her a hard time, and i have just fell out of the mood for daily/hourly play quickly. Syr informed me last night that She is always in the mood for play, even if She cannot go too long. So i glumly realized it wasn't both of us, and it was me. (Sniff.) i plan to offer my body this morning like i had been doing, to see where i am at. i wish i didn't fall so out of play mode so quickly, but i seem to. i guess it is just something We/i need to keep up on, no matter what if i want to become a better submissive/slave. 

   If i haven't been performing my loyal and wanting submissive duties, what have i been doing? Well, truth be told, i have been working on short stories, and drawing. my cousin was sitting with my Wife the other night, and my Wife was lauding my talents to other people about my drawing skills. So, i thought, if my Wife, my cousin, and the other friends they were speaking to, three people whose opinion i trust more than most in the world think i have talent, in order to grow, i need to stop dismissing people's compliments like my mother and grandma have always done when they were complimented. i need to take those compliments, and were them like a crown of love and pride. Most of all, i need to USE these talents and grow. So, i have been. So far, i drew my first portrait, my dear friends dog, Parker. i am actually proud of how lovely it came out. i have also done a portrait of the blazing red lilies in our side yard. i love lilies, and i was especially excited to find out there were red ones, my favorite color. i also have been writing. Not working on my science fiction project from Syr but my own. Today, we work on the science fiction again.

   Syr and i went with friends and saw "Clash of the Titans." i am an action movie lover. But when it involves mythology, i am even more there. Syr wanted me to read Greek mythology stories when we first met, but i refused. Dumb girl! Now i am so excited about cracking the books open. Syr finds it amusing, but happy it is finally happening. 

   Well, i have a back yard to mow, berries to pick, and a house to catch up on. i am now going into busy girl mode. Hopefully also i will go into "dirty girl mode," and "whipping post girl!" Have a lovely one!

Power and Passion

   i had a bit of a problem adhering to routine, and getting things in order for play yesterday. i blame the hot book i am still reading, and i also blame myself for not realizing i have to now learn how to be hyper vigilant. i lately am in such a high state of arousal, everything else seems to have fallen by the wayside. 

   my first line of mistakes began with no attention to Syr's drinks throughout the day. She didn't say anything until She woke up from Her nap, and i still hadn't filled Her drink. Then, as She caught up on Her emails, i neglected to hear Her shaking Her empty glass, waiting for me to jump. i didn't. i was completely absorbed in the book. (eek!) It only got better from there. By "better" i mean it couldn't have gotten worse. 

   Syr told me what my punishment was to be, and somehow i only heard "paddling and belting- as much as i can handle." i wish i could argue and say it might have been my CAPD at work, which would mean i was so high strung that only certain things filtered through. But i didn't think of that in my panic, and i certainly wasn't going to try to use it if i did. Perfect (or almost) perfect adherence is possible, i just have to create a system to make it work. In turn, only the paddle and the belt were carefully laid out. When Syr saw them, She was amused by yet more mistakes. Oh dear God, i'm screwed, i thought at this point.

   Once i gathered the restraints, and placed them neatly on the bed, Syr went for additional punishment tools-and they were in a sad state of dustiness. In fact, as Syr struck the air, the dust strings actually floated and exploded in front of my face of both the small and long crop. Syr dryly reminded me that even if toys are not used, they are to be ready at all times. The look on Her face told me i was in for a world of hurt, and She looked happy to show me just how much.  At this point, i really started laughing, because i really wanted to cry. But i was so charged, i was as ready for my punishments as i could be.

  Since Syr has been pleased with my absorption in the book, and my quick adjustment to a constantly aroused state, She decided to punish me based loosely on scenes from the book- on my ass and elsewhere.

   With hands behind my back where they belonged, She cropped my tits and stomach repeatedly, and it was hard not to allow my body to react naturally by turning away from Her. My nipples were twisted and yanked in a most viscous manner but i was already groaning with excitement as the tears struggled not to leave my eyes. 

   Syr then shoved my head face down on the bed, as She now enjoys doing. While i tried not to whimper, She paddled my ass so hard i screamed like i never had in my life. The tears were now flowing, there was nothing i could do about it. i struggled to stand up and face Her while She asked me if i was prepared for my belting as well. i so badly wanted to shake my head "no," but giving up quickly is the past i am leaving behind. i gave Her the smallest of nods, and She shoved me down again. With only one crack of the belt i screamed and the tears exploded. i begged Her, "please Syr please no more," i then stood up to look Her in the eye, albeit shaking and unsteady, i wanted to convey to Syr i was fully prepared to move on. 

   When She was satisfied with Her evaluation of me, She commanded me to crawl up on the bed. i did so, and with tears struggling to stop, She bound me in the cuffs, and tied to me to the bed. She went over to the play drawer, and took out a slim vibrator we have, and have not used much. She turned it up high, and leaned in front of my pussy, and with the darkest of smiles, turned it up against my cunt. She stated She would be back in a bit, and not to move, or i would be punished. i squealed in terror. i found though, the vibrator wasn't doing the job, and i called Her in twice. i finally tried to "fix" things myself, and move my thighs a little. To my horror, the vibrator slipped off my vag completely. Oh no. i had to call Syr in to adjust it again. It just wasn't hitting anything. When Syr saw the slip, Her tone became malicious. She reprimanded me, and gave me four harsh croppings across my thighs. i squealed like a little girl, going feral and crazy all at the same time. Welts appeared instantly; i was sobbing again. "Maybe that'll teach you not to move." She said.


   i was so strung out, that as Syr placed Herself between my legs, i didn't know what to expect. She held the vibrator on different parts of my vagina, and it gave me a charge, but as She hit more sensitive areas, She told me "not to cum." It was hard at moments, but i thought of my grandparents, anything not to explode. When She finally gave me permission, it wasn't anything i wished it was, and didn't admit that to Her until after. i was tired and not fully spent, yet She didn't lay with me like She usually does; She left me to think about what had and hadn't transpired throughout the day. When She came back, i told Her what i knew i needed to do, and what i would start doing to change all my mistakes.

   After my Syr gave me time to cool down, i finally asked Her if She would hold me- even though i knew i wasn't wanting it anymore. She gave me the option of cumming in three minutes-if i thought i could do it. Otherwise, another 5 days of torture with no cumming. i groaned, not fully confident in my own abilities to make my mind focus on its task at hand. 


   Even though it was a trying day, i am grateful my Syr is keeping me focused, and helping to train my mind and body to better respond. i know what to work on, especially my communication. i woke up today in a happier, clearer state of mind, and i am going at today as though it is a total clean slate. i even remembered to pick raspberries from the back yard, an d chill them in the fridge. it feels good to be back on track...

 

  

The Start Of A Lovely Day

   Syr and i got in a particularly painful session with Her belt this morning. Syr made contact a little lower than usual, on my thigh rather than my ass. i screeched, (not meaning to,) but i still took another one. So that was a three strike session, i am hoping we can try the quick bursts of play every two hours like She suggested. i am ever hopeful. 

   my head feels so much clearer and freer since writing my blog yesterday. i have been realizing, more and more than any cold/dry spells in our play has been purely my doing. Because i have not been in a good space, or as i like to call it "my head up my ass." i am beginning to see that my Wife is actually who She always claimed to be: Supportive, trusting, calm, always believing in me. It has been me, for five years, that has refused to see that. The more i stop listening to the incessant voices of my past in my head, the freer i am, the truer to my self i am. 

   i weighed myself today, and i am higher than i have been in quite some time. Yet, i have more self, and body confidence than i have ever had before. So although i am concerned, i am trying to exercise a little, and eat right. We are meeting my cousin and a dear friend for lunch, so i hope i do all right.

Why?

   The last 24 hours have been dramatic- and sometimes not in a good way. Within our circle of friends a relationship broke up and i fear it may drag itself out in a very agonizing fashion.On a politically dramatic point, i have fallen in love with campaigning-for an up and coming politician who wants to take on the lack of rights and protection for all LGBT individuals in our community. She views this lack of protection and rights as a civil rights issue, and it made my heart sing to finally see someone want to take a stand for our community. i met this politician through a dear friend, and i hope i can do much to benefit this woman's campaign.

   Last night i had my own little crisis, and faced a few things i really didn't want to admit. Syr said something in passing to a couple we are getting to know who also live a lifestyle like ours. If i wasn't so sensitive, i would have just taken it with a grain of salt. But my insecurity dragged me down into the depths of my inadequacy. 

   Our friends husband has a high endurance and tolerance for heavy play. As we spoke more about it, my Syr said something that wasn't meant to devastate me, but i as i heard it, it did. Later on while getting ready for bed, i accused Syr of making me feel inadequate with that comment. As i have spoken before, i feel horrible since my body began responding in such a dramatically different way, and play hasn't been easy. Instead of screaming, yelling, and arguing, i allowed my self to cry in front of my Syr, and share with Her my aching anger at myself. Actually being vulnerable and trusting Her with my pain prevented an argument that would have only hurt Us both. We both have known since i developed coital migraines when we first met, my body and its tolerance haven't been the same. Even though it's still a sweet joke, (Syr apologized for being so good and braking me,) i realized there is nothing i physically can do to revert back. 

    For those of you who don't know what "Coital Migraines" are, one develops them with multitudes of orgasms, that build in intensity and volume. Your body cannot take the intensity and it shuts down with blinding headaches that appear just when you are just building to orgasm. Because the eventual result would be a massive stroke or heart attack, it's your bodies way of protecting you from dying. So, i'm sure you can imagine there have many pats on the back for Syr for a job way beyond well done. But it has affected me in many ways. For instance:

   i finally got my nipples pierced two years ago. And while they never once grew infected, my body became so sensitive to the piercings, that within two weeks i couldn't even be held, everything hurt so bad. 

  As only of late, have i been able to orgasm more than once. It has taken Us four years to get back to this point. And even though it isn't the 2 minutes of "rolling orgasms" as i called them, they are intense and beautiful.

   Since my migraines, i have not been able to withstand a good play session. Unfortunately, i have only had one or two since this incident. 

   Syr is patient, and very good to me. While i wailed about my feelings of worthlessness, my loving Wife explained we would just go slow; do a little bit consistently every day. Even if all i could handle was a couple flicks of the whip, or two paddlings, She didn't care how long it took. What She did stress was, it didn't matter to Her. She is so pleased that even through these trials, i am always willing, and always eager. i have only 1 play situation i would never accept. My Wife has said in Her Dominant position, She couldn't ask for a better partner than that. i really listened to my Syr, and like i have been doing lately, actually heard her. Even though i am disturbed by some of my regressing, i am able to catch myself and realize i am getting help, and i will work through my past to reach an even better play space. i agree with Syr also that maybe issues from my past are affecting me overall too. 

   So while we're not frozen in spot like we have been often in the past, i am ever hopeful that just with adjustment and changes we can find a perfect play, D/s relationship that works for us. And maybe if i really work on my wounded little heart, i can be Syr's owned wife, pet, and slave. 

   i feel so grateful for my Wife. i don't think there is anyone out there who would or could have been as patient, calm, kind, and gentle with me as She has been. i love Her so much, i feel like i am going to explode with joy sometimes. i only hope i continue to make Her proud of me. (gush)

Slap Upside The Head....

   Oh dear. i have been so off, it's killing me. Today was my day to hit an orgasm in 4 and a half minutes. However, i fell apart with a minute and thirty left. With tears in my eyes, and frustration raging through me, Syr reminded me this is still my own self-imposed idea, but i still felt as though i failed Syr, and my self. Syr offered me the option to reach orgasm with no time limit, and i reluctantly took it. Having had no orgasms or real release in over a week, i exploded in 1 minute, 15 seconds. Syr said out loud what i had figured out: All my difficulty was inside my head. As i struggled to not hate myself out loud, Syr gently said there are other ways of getting around these difficulties. But it just makes me further ashamed and upset with how my body responds, (or doesn't.)

   Syr and i talked at length yesterday about my disappointment with my body. i am not built to jump right in and take the play like a natural. In fact, my body fights it every friggin' step of the way. While trying to choke back tears, Syr (once again with Patience,) explained to me that even though my body is slow to accept and respond, it doesn't mean that we can't eventually create a body with endurance and stamina. It will just take longer, but it can be done. And even though that is hopeful, it makes me go crazy, feeling so ashamed i cannot be mailable to Syr's needs and wants quickly. Why did i have to get the vanilla body, and the Rocky Road mind? Arrrgh.

   As usual, Syr doesn't see it as a roadblock, She merely sees it time to create a better body for Her use. So in the meantime, everything else is suffering because of my neurosis. For example: Syr's and my morning routine. i always get up before Syr, and i am supposed to exercise, straighten up the house, work on my blog, and shower before waking Her. When She awakens, i am to have fresh ice water and Her medication waiting, Her glasses cleaned and once She is up, have Her clothes waiting out for Her. Then, once She is up, offer myself for a paddling, or spanking,make sure Her ice water is filled, and be on standby for anything She needs. So far, my batting average with any of that being consecutively done is an enormous zero. i don't even know what to say. Syr is so very patient, which just makes it all the worse. 

   i know i have been ragging on myself for days now, i just wish someone could slap the frustration and annoyance out of me. Perhaps i can work out a deal with Syr...prolly would hurt....might not be a bad thing!