Transitions

   There is a lot of transition going on not only in both Syr's and my life, but the lives of those around us that we love as well. Not sure exactly what is going on, but you can feel change lingering in the air, ready to snap like a broken branch or dead leaves on the ground.
   My grandfather is suddenly very sick; not only has he been diagnosed with infections in his weak, unsteady legs, but he is also suffering with one kidney shutting down due to the infections. My grandfather and Syr own very big parts of my heart. They were the first to love me unconditionally, and the the first to let me just be me, not trying to compromise who I am for their sakes. So for my papa to be struggling suddenly, i have a sickly, worried heart about it. 
   The stress is further compounded by the fact i cannot get out there to see him because we really don't have gas money. In fact, we will barely have enough for all the appointments we have coming up. He lives just far enough away (12 miles) it puts a crimp in the gas tank. All i can do is pray-a lot.
   Syr and i still haven't done a lot of play, nor have i really been too into my servitude. Like i said, there are many stressors that have unfortunately left me in not a good place. But Syr as always is all right with that. And for that i am grateful. 
   For now, we are just taking it day by day, minute by minute. i only hope it all gets better soon. The stress is killing me slowly.

Not Much Going On Here

   Not really much to mention today. i am really pissed at someone i reached out to who claimed to be into the BDSM lifestyle. Not only did she make fun of and trivialize the bloggers i read, but she trivialized and teased me. She is a trans woman, and what angered me the most was how she belittled me like a man. i am pissed i ever opened up to her, and cannot believe i took her at face value. She seems to think all a BDSM lifestyle is about is pain and domination. She seems to think it is all one big lusty chained up fucking and beating party. From her rude reactions to the submissive and slave bloggers i admire and turn to for better insight on myself, she compartmentalized all of us as mere pain and pleasure sluts. 
   i am trying to figure out how i need to approach this jerk. i asked Syr, and She suggested, if i really need to, write her a letter, and Syr will make sure it isn't too offensive. i don't want to really anger this woman; she is dating one of my best friends who is like a brother to me. But i am angry, and don't even want her to come in my home anymore. 
   Syr suggested next time this poser teases me with a question about pain, or refers to me in the terms only reserved for Syr, that i am to look her point blank in the eye and say "my opinions are that of my Master. Please refer to Her if you want to discuss this." Which will most likely induce more maddening teasing, but Syr will take over. 
   Syr asked me if i noticed this woman never approached Syr about the life. Only me. And until that point, i hadn't really noticed. Syr said She knew anyone with experience in the life would approach the Master before the submissive. And if one really knew protocol, an outsider would certainly not call the Master of the house's submissive by names only used by the Master. 
   Syr is not easily shaken or offended. That is one of many reasons why i love Her. She asked me to think this all over, and see just how effective it will be next time this person is in our house. 
   i was pretty upset last night. i felt angry, humiliated, and pissed. But as always, my beloved Syr eased my troubled little mind, and helped me to see there is always a peaceable solution to everything troubling. i feel blessed my Syr understands!

Sometimes, I go a bit overboard....Part 2

   So now that i finally have the exciting Pride news out, onto how bad i was yesterday. When Syr and the three of us got back to our house, i was aching and tired. For the first few hours, i was on pretty good behavior. i kept filling drinks with ice, and i was doting on Syr quite a bit. 
   My cousin decided we should pork steaks, so as he ran out for them, my friend and Syr and i sat around talking. When my cousin came back from the store, i rushed out to Syr's side and asked if there was anything i could do besides make the scalloped potatoes. "Nothing else," was the reply. The pork steaks were done rather quickly, and we sat down to a yummy feast. 
   After dinner, the four of us sat there for a few hours, just enjoying the cool, the quiet, and just relaxing some more. It was at this point, i really began to slack off. i knew Syr's glass was empty often, i chose to sit on my butt, and play with Facebook. i saw Her getting Her own drinks and ice, and i chose to play dumb about it. By 9 my cousin suggested we eat some ice cream he had bought. Syr looked at me, as if to say, "well go on! get it!" As She went into the bathroom. i jokingly said to my cousin, "tell Her She is the ice cream bitch and to get our ice cream!" My cousin laughed and said that was all on me.
   So when Syr came out, i looked at Her and in my smart-ass tone i replied, "tonight, YOU are the ice cream BITCH!" Go on, and get it! Chop, chop, Maryanne!" Our friend and my cousin burst into laughter. My Syr, gave me the look that says, "Ohhh, you are so going to get a reprimand for this. Prepare!" Even though i laughed too, i felt a little nervous. Syr kindly got us all ice cream, and we stayed up a bit longer.
   Later when Syr and i were talking in bed, Syr told me i needed to be punished. And what do i think would be the most effective punishment? my head reeled. i knew what i had to answer truthfully. i told Her the paddle always makes me learn, since i hate it with a black passion. She smirked, and said "for now you hate it, but i know there will come a time, you love it!" i asked Her if i could ask a question, and She granted it. i apologized really, and told Her since it hadn't seemed like We had been on BDSM protocol for days, i thought it would be all right to tease and demand of Her like that. She acknowledged it, but informed me that i had expressed desire to move forward to another level with our play life. That means, even if we have "off" days, She is still in charge, and i am to obey, no matter what. That was indeed comforting, but as always with my Syr, there is always more. She informed me also that She was going to lift my ban on touching myself this weekend. But now i still am forbidden. And all this week She is going to torture me with bites, and nibbles, and kisses, and caresses to drive me insane. And still no touching. So by Saturday, when She finally allows me release, it can only be the way She tells i can release, and in a certain time constraint. i gulped, but promised Her this time around i would obey Her command not to touch myself. In the past years, i got angry, and ignored that rule, and on top of it, defiantly told her. But it only hurt me. If my Syr says "no touching" i will not touch. i think i am going to be doing a lot of working out. Such a bad little pet, part of me wishes it was going to be 4 or 5 wacks with the paddle. But Syr knows me too well to know i would only learn from that for so long.... 

Sometimes, I go a bit overboard....Part 1

   So, the last few weeks of submission and servitude have been really fulfilling, really wonderful. But, as I spoke of in previous posts, Syr has been struggling with quite a few health issues, most importantly needing insulin and having no money for Her estrogen. Her frequent lack of activity (re: beltings, demanding a blow job, etc) have been nil, so this little pet has been getting grumpy and testy. i need to keep in mind that even the most practiced of BDSM couples, still have vanilla moments, vanilla days. There are times in our lives where we are just not up to D/s mode, and need to be grateful for the love that comes in these down times. Well...i wasn't really wanting to acknowledge that. i have been a brat. But more on that later.
   Yesterday was the Pride Parade in our city. And it was wonderful! It was my first experience being as part of it, and we walked first with Marriage Equality, NY. The energy around us was infectious. It is a nearly 2 mile stretch we walked, and there were often times i wanted to just pull myself over to the curb and rest. But i realized i was only drained because it was 87 degrees. i don't do well in a lot of heat. 
   But back to the energy! Most of the way we shouted things like "What do we want? MARRIAGE! When do we get it? NOW!" Or "Ho, ho, hey, hey, marriage equality is here to stay!" Each block we came upon, there was a new surge of screaming, cheering, and just overall joy. It was humbling for me to see in this 2 mile stretch just how many people my assistance with the marriage equality movement would benefit and help. i was so honored to be a part of it, and do what was most comfortable for me; behind the scenes work.
   Even though i was tired, i never stopped chanting, screaming and cheering. One couldn't help it. Another reason i love pride so much is the sense of community and belonging. i love, as a friendly person, i could walk up to all the trans women and drag queens and take their photo. i could tell them how divine they were. i could hug anyone i saw. That straight supporters were kind and super soaking us in the heat. i love the fact the city cops put on their sirens to drown out the hateful protesters. That everyone is in love with everyone during pride-especially now that we have marriage equality in NY! It is just a feel good weekend!
   i have over 100 photos from the parade, and i only wish i could have gotten more. i accidentally tripped, and dropped Our digital camera before the parade. i had to take it to Syr, since i couldn't fix it. She kept giving me this intense glare, so i thought She was going to blast me. But in the end, She took my picture, because She thought i looked "precious." i thought i was about to burst into tears! 
   By the time the parade was over, Syr and i and my cousin, and our good friend all stumbled back to the car. My cousin bought us drinks, and we sat trying to shake the ill effects of the sun. Thank God for air conditioning! Getting back to the house, we just kind of sat in the freezing sub-zero air and tried to catch our breath. It was back at the house, that my insolence went a little wonky....
 

Holding Pattern....

   The little bit of a play life We have begun to build again is once again on hold. Until Syr is feeling more energized and alert, We are back to Her laying down in a dark room trying to catch Her breath, and me worrying. As sad as this all makes me, it makes me sadder my Wife and my Syr are struggling for some semblance of life, and meanwhile, We are just in a holding pattern, circling until it's safe to land. i really wish i knew what has happened in the last 6 months that She has taken such awful, scary turns for the worst. i hope there is light at the end of the tunnel. i miss having fun and having a life with my Soul Mate. i am really tired of the constant stress. i hope we find the insulin starts to do the trick. Meanwhile, i really want some chocolate, and i don't even eat sugary foods anymore. The old standby of addiction calls, and i need to pray.

Something Better Is Coming

   Today still feels full of stress, but Syr has an appointment at the Diabetic center, to learn how to use Her insulin pens, and how to start dealing with the diabetes head on. Even though i am still gravely concerned, help is in sight. As we speak, She is laying on the couch, really unable to gather energy to get up and get going. We both agreed that most of Her lack of energy is really due to Her blood sugar being out of wack, and the severity of Her COPD. Doesn't make me feel any better, but once again, within the next few weeks, She will see a pulmonary specialist, and all will be handled.
   Meanwhile, We have been trying to walk everyday. i usually walk twice; once with Syr, and once at a little faster pace, by myself. Yesterday Syr and i walked the wooded path near one of Our local beaches. And it was so beautiful! The way sun played through the leaves, and the quietness of the path in the woods. We caught the end of a deer, and saw a bunch of squirrels and robins. Syr was able to go much further than i anticipated. i was impressed with Her perseverance! We got a 45 minute walk in, and happily later on Syrs's blood sugar was only 154! If that is an indicator of what exercise does for a diabetic, i am taking Her out, (dragging Her out) every day!

What The...?

   i'm not sure how, if it's forgetting to take my amoxicillan four times a day the last couple of days, but i feel stuffy, and i am coughing again. And man, am i angry with myself. Have an unexpected $20 coming our way. my brother asked Us to make some mixed CD's for a friend, so i am going to. Hopefully my CD holder in my laptop is not to screwed up, and i will be able to slide the CD's in and out. Not have to resort to Syr struggling for 15 minutes to get the fuckers out. Sigh. i really wish i wasn't so hard on my electronics. i can't even tell you how many times i have dropped my cell phone. i am a klutz. 
   i need to try to get Syr into Our medical doctor's office today instead of tomorrow. When We saw Her urologist, the dr. said Her glucose levels were so high, her organs could shut down. That scared me out of my mind. i was terrified. i didn't realize that was where Syr's health is headed. She did not sleep well last night, i know She was ruminating on what Dr. Baker said. But in another 6 minutes, i will call our MD, and see about getting Her in today, so Our doctor can start Her on insulin. Dr. Baker said that insulin will dramatically change up the horrible problems Syr has been having for the better.
   The secretary was able to get Syr in at 2:30 today, but with the PA. But if the situation calls for it, Our doctor can always be called into the room. i am just glad Syr can be looked over, and possibly started on life-saving, organ-saving insulin to keep Her healthy and well for a long time. i won't be breathing easy until i see Her sugar levels way below 200. They have been over 300 for 7 months, not good at all.
   Went into the back yard to pick raspberries. But since it has been such a dry summer, the raspberries aren't looking too hot. i barely got half a tub full. i felt quite emancipated; i went out in my sports bra, and shorts. In NY, (thanks to my aunt being one of the original Top Free 7,) i could technically go out topless. But instead, i waltz around in my sports bra. i know i am not skinny, hot material to most. But i also know i am not disgusting looking, and besides, Syr really digs it when i go out in a bra. And mostly, knowing it is making Her all hot and bothered, everyone else can take a flying leap off a cliff! i have even been walking around in a sports bra in front of my beloved cousin. And if he can handle it no problem, i am gonna do it. Besides, he lays around his house is boxer briefs, so i think it all takes care of it itself, don't you?
   As soon as my email is finished loading the attachments, i am going to go start breakfast for Syr: Raspberry pancakes, yum! i am just dragging on wanting to cook, i can never stand it! But i know i should probably take on more, if i am going to be more service minded. But oh God, i hate cooking. More on that later. Sigh, time to make the pancakes!