For Your Birthday, I...

   Today is my beautiful Maker's birthday. She is 50, and looks like a glowing, ageless angel. i hate to say it, but the fact She's turned 50 has turned my screws like nobody's business. i think it comes from when i was in my early 20's, and always had crushes on older men. the age difference is a turn on, and when i look at my Wifely, fifty suits Her perfectly well. 
  i woke Her up this morning with with gusto (heh heh) and happily made her ginger tea while She got ready for the day. i felt awesome; i made her a Dr.Who themed picture for her birthday, and She loved it. It made me feel like i could jump the moon. i funnily couldn't sleep, because the thought of jumping on her in the morning was too exciting and charged me way too much. i love the fact She continually charges my fire, and nowadays, my flame is intensely hot and bright.
  So trying to figure out what to write today, i figured out what felt right: a wish list for my Girl. So here it goes:
  i pledge, each day, to take care of myself; to learn to love who i see in the mirror, and to do my best to eat and drink healthily, take care of my skin, and involve myself in activities that stimulate my brain and help me stay calm, such as my drawing, writing, and playing music.
  In turn, i will be able to each day learn to organize my life better, so in turn i can Serve You better. The more organized i am, the easier it is to be attentive and wait on Your every need. And that is always a burning need, whether i am in the mindset to Serve or not. i always, always want to. 
  i will learn to be more gentle on myself, by not beating myself up for something as serious as dropping a vase, or as non-serious as spilling milk on the table. By being gentle with myself, i will be able to take orders or dismisiveness with a gleam in my eye and not a tear, but more seriously, be able to take critique and critical comments that have to do with servitude or everyday issues. 
  also, being more gentle on myself, will make play twice as pleasurable. when i am not dealing with pain, play is an angry release for a short-lived amount of time. when i am free to let my body, soul, mind, senses, and heart enjoy the punishments You meter out with love, sadism,  patience and respect, i am able to fly freely, smile, cry, and bond with You on levels i cannot even try to understand. 
  i promise not a day will go by that i won't let You know how much i love You, and how much You have changed my life. i know You already know it, but as Your chosen pet, i honor and cherish the daily, constant opportunity to express my devotion and love. it's like a daily gift!
  i also promise i will continue to do my best to always stay in the moment, communicate, look you in the eye, and to never go to bed angry. i will continue to apologize when i am wrong, and be accountable for anything i do that i am aware of. Living a healthy lifestyle dictates it, and You have been a shining example to follow.
  As for play, i will continue to work on being constantly open and available to You whenever the whim hits You. In turn, i will not be sullen and passive-aggressive when You are not in the mood but i may be.
  i am, and will continue to, always cherish all your kisses. You kiss like a dream. Your tongue tastes delicious, and being wrapped up snug in your arms is a peaceful quiet oasis.
  my body will be available to you to spank, slap, tweak, pinch or bind, or simply to kiss and hug. i rarely never have issue with affection, but sometimes i hate nip pinching!
  i will always relish and take comfort in the fact that not only  You love me, but You covet me, You own me, and You have the right to do what You feel. i know You cherish me, and will never do anything that would break me mentally or physically. 
  Most importantly, i will thank the stars above that after 10 years, You still love me, and want me like when we first met. Knowing i am loved and kept is the year long gift that never stops giving. 
  Happy, happy Birthday, my Beautiful Maker, My Insane Beest, My Clever, Creative Maker, and my Beautiful, Kind, Sweet, Wifely! 
Love, pet xxx

...so! let's try this again, a different way, for completely different reasons.

  i was not at all surprised to see i had not posted anything in about three years. at the time of the last blog, i was pretty much stumbling around in an angry, confused daze, making life most unpleasant for everyone around me, including myself.

  i was not comfortable telling the world of my heart's desires to serve my Wife, simply because i was not comfortable in my own skin. so in my opinion, my blog reflected my life; stumbling, lost, disconnected.

  in the last three years, the Universe has graced me with a lot, but some of the biggest are the ability to truly begin to trust and love my Wife (whom i also refer to as Maker, or Beest,) and to begin to trust and love myself; a leap of faith that i have yearned for for almost 40 years.

  in these growth spurts, i have had to work so very hard at letting go of what i cannot control or create, (which sucks for a German control freak, i mean, seriously.) and learn in the process of letting go to find grace with everyday life, including the grace of being alive. 

  on one hand, i am amazed how hard it is to be gentle with ourselves. on the other hand, it doesn't strike me as strange that i identify purely as a submissive soul. in fact, my Maker and i refer to me as Her pet, because of the very nature of our relationship.

  Maker is 11 years older than me, but is so positive and full of joy, i have never felt the difference. Her devotion, protection, and adoration of me over the past 10 years has been clearly evident since our first date when i..um..passed out in Her lap. She leads a 24/7 sober life, and in turn has been a mentor and a role model for facing my own addictions, mainly food. 

  the desire to "meet Her halfway" so our marriage and relationship are more balanced has been my goal ever since. and i feel proud to say (shyly) i know i am beginning to meet Her on life's and Love's terms finally. it is damn hard, annoying work. but when i can look in Her eyes, and say "i love You" or "i'm sorry," with no self shame, it is worth it. and knowing i make Her proud of me sustains me like no one else ever has.

  you see, i had lived a pretty isolated, hurting life up until i met Maker. and then getting to know Maker, i found She had as well. meeting someone who understands loneliness and heart brake really helps to grow a fast bond. and bond with my Maker i have.

  in the 10 years i have stumbled around, sometimes blindly, sometimes too aware, my Maker has been a wise and protective Domme. She has known when to push me, and when to hold me and let me (or make me) cry. She has supported my insecurities, lauded any and all efforts, and called me on my shit everytime i was out of line. (not just in our D/s life, but in the day-to-day grind.) 

  but what makes Maker such an ideal Wife, and Domme, is her wisdom to not interfere in my self discovery and growth. rather She steps back, quietly observes, and offers guidance when i am truly faltering. this in turn (i have begun to realize) is the very reason i am more confident in myself, making decisions, and learning to trust my own opinions, ideas, and choices. She has, in Her brilliant way, helped me find my voice, and make me realize i want to answer only to Her everyday, with confidence and loving devotion full of joy and love-fire.

  so that brings me back to this here simple little blog. i am going to learn how to promote it, to spread the word, and to put my self out in the Internet bloggosphere-no matter how scary it feels. it builds confidence, character, and i'm told will put hair on my teeth.

   beginning my blog again had another point as well. i have grown frustrated with the fact that i never can find bloggers who identify as "pets" without an animal reference or lame references to "fake kink play" thrown in. part of the reason i adore the bdsm subworld is the fact that most people try to identify with the traditional "old guard" mindsets, and then find where they curl up and fit in just right.

  the facts for me and my life: i see myself as a pet. a pet who loves, adores, worships, idolizes, and yearns to be around her Wife, Maker, Beest 24/7. yet because of our life experiences and lifestyles, we alter it to fit within everyday confines, and ensure we are taking care of our selves mentally, spiritually and emotionally. 

  my every waking moment revolves around doing and serving my Wife, and adoring and nurturing our feline love child. i would most desire to simply be kept at home, and only go out with Maker when She chooses. unfortunately though, with social phobias to deal with, Maker knows that would not help me to grow as a stable devoted pet; rather i would regress, and the unknown fears would drown me.

  the more i came to realize this, i began to see that a "traditional" D/s relationship would not work. rather, learning to work with our strengths instead of struggling with the weaknesses, we end up creating a lovely hybrid relationship that works for us.

  i by no means see myself as a slave in the near future. it seems far too scary, and (in O/our eyes) it unfortunately would alter how hard we have worked to connect. however, living submissively, devotedly 24/7 with guidelines that dictate open communication and respect sounds blissfully ideal to both of U/us, and actually feel and seem manageable. and manageable is good!

  so for those of you who find my blog, i thank you, and i am open to any interchange, or questions. i sincerely feel one cannot grow without learning about other's experiences. and besides, i too have many, many questions unasked myself. namaste <3 font="">

Transitions

   There is a lot of transition going on not only in both Syr's and my life, but the lives of those around us that we love as well. Not sure exactly what is going on, but you can feel change lingering in the air, ready to snap like a broken branch or dead leaves on the ground.
   My grandfather is suddenly very sick; not only has he been diagnosed with infections in his weak, unsteady legs, but he is also suffering with one kidney shutting down due to the infections. My grandfather and Syr own very big parts of my heart. They were the first to love me unconditionally, and the the first to let me just be me, not trying to compromise who I am for their sakes. So for my papa to be struggling suddenly, i have a sickly, worried heart about it. 
   The stress is further compounded by the fact i cannot get out there to see him because we really don't have gas money. In fact, we will barely have enough for all the appointments we have coming up. He lives just far enough away (12 miles) it puts a crimp in the gas tank. All i can do is pray-a lot.
   Syr and i still haven't done a lot of play, nor have i really been too into my servitude. Like i said, there are many stressors that have unfortunately left me in not a good place. But Syr as always is all right with that. And for that i am grateful. 
   For now, we are just taking it day by day, minute by minute. i only hope it all gets better soon. The stress is killing me slowly.

Not Much Going On Here

   Not really much to mention today. i am really pissed at someone i reached out to who claimed to be into the BDSM lifestyle. Not only did she make fun of and trivialize the bloggers i read, but she trivialized and teased me. She is a trans woman, and what angered me the most was how she belittled me like a man. i am pissed i ever opened up to her, and cannot believe i took her at face value. She seems to think all a BDSM lifestyle is about is pain and domination. She seems to think it is all one big lusty chained up fucking and beating party. From her rude reactions to the submissive and slave bloggers i admire and turn to for better insight on myself, she compartmentalized all of us as mere pain and pleasure sluts. 
   i am trying to figure out how i need to approach this jerk. i asked Syr, and She suggested, if i really need to, write her a letter, and Syr will make sure it isn't too offensive. i don't want to really anger this woman; she is dating one of my best friends who is like a brother to me. But i am angry, and don't even want her to come in my home anymore. 
   Syr suggested next time this poser teases me with a question about pain, or refers to me in the terms only reserved for Syr, that i am to look her point blank in the eye and say "my opinions are that of my Master. Please refer to Her if you want to discuss this." Which will most likely induce more maddening teasing, but Syr will take over. 
   Syr asked me if i noticed this woman never approached Syr about the life. Only me. And until that point, i hadn't really noticed. Syr said She knew anyone with experience in the life would approach the Master before the submissive. And if one really knew protocol, an outsider would certainly not call the Master of the house's submissive by names only used by the Master. 
   Syr is not easily shaken or offended. That is one of many reasons why i love Her. She asked me to think this all over, and see just how effective it will be next time this person is in our house. 
   i was pretty upset last night. i felt angry, humiliated, and pissed. But as always, my beloved Syr eased my troubled little mind, and helped me to see there is always a peaceable solution to everything troubling. i feel blessed my Syr understands!

Sometimes, I go a bit overboard....Part 2

   So now that i finally have the exciting Pride news out, onto how bad i was yesterday. When Syr and the three of us got back to our house, i was aching and tired. For the first few hours, i was on pretty good behavior. i kept filling drinks with ice, and i was doting on Syr quite a bit. 
   My cousin decided we should pork steaks, so as he ran out for them, my friend and Syr and i sat around talking. When my cousin came back from the store, i rushed out to Syr's side and asked if there was anything i could do besides make the scalloped potatoes. "Nothing else," was the reply. The pork steaks were done rather quickly, and we sat down to a yummy feast. 
   After dinner, the four of us sat there for a few hours, just enjoying the cool, the quiet, and just relaxing some more. It was at this point, i really began to slack off. i knew Syr's glass was empty often, i chose to sit on my butt, and play with Facebook. i saw Her getting Her own drinks and ice, and i chose to play dumb about it. By 9 my cousin suggested we eat some ice cream he had bought. Syr looked at me, as if to say, "well go on! get it!" As She went into the bathroom. i jokingly said to my cousin, "tell Her She is the ice cream bitch and to get our ice cream!" My cousin laughed and said that was all on me.
   So when Syr came out, i looked at Her and in my smart-ass tone i replied, "tonight, YOU are the ice cream BITCH!" Go on, and get it! Chop, chop, Maryanne!" Our friend and my cousin burst into laughter. My Syr, gave me the look that says, "Ohhh, you are so going to get a reprimand for this. Prepare!" Even though i laughed too, i felt a little nervous. Syr kindly got us all ice cream, and we stayed up a bit longer.
   Later when Syr and i were talking in bed, Syr told me i needed to be punished. And what do i think would be the most effective punishment? my head reeled. i knew what i had to answer truthfully. i told Her the paddle always makes me learn, since i hate it with a black passion. She smirked, and said "for now you hate it, but i know there will come a time, you love it!" i asked Her if i could ask a question, and She granted it. i apologized really, and told Her since it hadn't seemed like We had been on BDSM protocol for days, i thought it would be all right to tease and demand of Her like that. She acknowledged it, but informed me that i had expressed desire to move forward to another level with our play life. That means, even if we have "off" days, She is still in charge, and i am to obey, no matter what. That was indeed comforting, but as always with my Syr, there is always more. She informed me also that She was going to lift my ban on touching myself this weekend. But now i still am forbidden. And all this week She is going to torture me with bites, and nibbles, and kisses, and caresses to drive me insane. And still no touching. So by Saturday, when She finally allows me release, it can only be the way She tells i can release, and in a certain time constraint. i gulped, but promised Her this time around i would obey Her command not to touch myself. In the past years, i got angry, and ignored that rule, and on top of it, defiantly told her. But it only hurt me. If my Syr says "no touching" i will not touch. i think i am going to be doing a lot of working out. Such a bad little pet, part of me wishes it was going to be 4 or 5 wacks with the paddle. But Syr knows me too well to know i would only learn from that for so long.... 

Sometimes, I go a bit overboard....Part 1

   So, the last few weeks of submission and servitude have been really fulfilling, really wonderful. But, as I spoke of in previous posts, Syr has been struggling with quite a few health issues, most importantly needing insulin and having no money for Her estrogen. Her frequent lack of activity (re: beltings, demanding a blow job, etc) have been nil, so this little pet has been getting grumpy and testy. i need to keep in mind that even the most practiced of BDSM couples, still have vanilla moments, vanilla days. There are times in our lives where we are just not up to D/s mode, and need to be grateful for the love that comes in these down times. Well...i wasn't really wanting to acknowledge that. i have been a brat. But more on that later.
   Yesterday was the Pride Parade in our city. And it was wonderful! It was my first experience being as part of it, and we walked first with Marriage Equality, NY. The energy around us was infectious. It is a nearly 2 mile stretch we walked, and there were often times i wanted to just pull myself over to the curb and rest. But i realized i was only drained because it was 87 degrees. i don't do well in a lot of heat. 
   But back to the energy! Most of the way we shouted things like "What do we want? MARRIAGE! When do we get it? NOW!" Or "Ho, ho, hey, hey, marriage equality is here to stay!" Each block we came upon, there was a new surge of screaming, cheering, and just overall joy. It was humbling for me to see in this 2 mile stretch just how many people my assistance with the marriage equality movement would benefit and help. i was so honored to be a part of it, and do what was most comfortable for me; behind the scenes work.
   Even though i was tired, i never stopped chanting, screaming and cheering. One couldn't help it. Another reason i love pride so much is the sense of community and belonging. i love, as a friendly person, i could walk up to all the trans women and drag queens and take their photo. i could tell them how divine they were. i could hug anyone i saw. That straight supporters were kind and super soaking us in the heat. i love the fact the city cops put on their sirens to drown out the hateful protesters. That everyone is in love with everyone during pride-especially now that we have marriage equality in NY! It is just a feel good weekend!
   i have over 100 photos from the parade, and i only wish i could have gotten more. i accidentally tripped, and dropped Our digital camera before the parade. i had to take it to Syr, since i couldn't fix it. She kept giving me this intense glare, so i thought She was going to blast me. But in the end, She took my picture, because She thought i looked "precious." i thought i was about to burst into tears! 
   By the time the parade was over, Syr and i and my cousin, and our good friend all stumbled back to the car. My cousin bought us drinks, and we sat trying to shake the ill effects of the sun. Thank God for air conditioning! Getting back to the house, we just kind of sat in the freezing sub-zero air and tried to catch our breath. It was back at the house, that my insolence went a little wonky....
 

Holding Pattern....

   The little bit of a play life We have begun to build again is once again on hold. Until Syr is feeling more energized and alert, We are back to Her laying down in a dark room trying to catch Her breath, and me worrying. As sad as this all makes me, it makes me sadder my Wife and my Syr are struggling for some semblance of life, and meanwhile, We are just in a holding pattern, circling until it's safe to land. i really wish i knew what has happened in the last 6 months that She has taken such awful, scary turns for the worst. i hope there is light at the end of the tunnel. i miss having fun and having a life with my Soul Mate. i am really tired of the constant stress. i hope we find the insulin starts to do the trick. Meanwhile, i really want some chocolate, and i don't even eat sugary foods anymore. The old standby of addiction calls, and i need to pray.