Too Much Time

   Too much time has gone by since Syr and i have played, or even lived in our BDSM roles. i know it was a collection of things, but i am really trying to get some semblance back in our lives. my Wife is so very patient; She will wait for me to find my way no matter what. But i am really looking to find little things we can keep going everyday.

   One of the problem with me is my rapid cycling. i have bipolar, and i cycle a million times a day. Well, maybe not a million, but sometimes it stresses both me and the Wife out. And even though i go in to the start of a new day eager to please my Wife, i find myself getting edgy or ragged by the afternoon, mid evening. i am not sure if this is more that can be worked on in therapy, or if this is truly an issue my Wife and i will have to learn to deal with. 

   Speaking of therapy, i have started with a wonderful therapist. Even though i go to a clinic, she is the first therapist to actually learn more about the life i lead with a transgendered woman, and to learn more about the BDSM lifestyle. She said she'll have to do a lot of research, since everything a submissive woman wants, is the exact opposite of what she is supposed to show us. But she is gracious, and i am so pleased she wants to find effective ways to help me. i have a lot of hope for clearing my head and growing even more. And the more i get healthy and grow, the more i am connected to my God, the easier i can fill my submissive role with ease, happiness, and a pure, singing heart.

   My mother and grandmother are supposed to be coming over today. It was a real surprise, and it means the world to me. Even though i am not close to my mom as much as i used to be, she hasn't initiated a visit in some time, so i feel good knowing she is trying to reach out the best she can. Also, i get to see my grandma, hopefully even my grandfather. (squeals of joy!)

   Dear Wife is struggling with infected incisions from Her gallbladder surgery. Our MD called them "fistulas," and they aren't pretty. my poor Love looks like She has holes in Her belly. And She never complains. i have so much i could learn from Her. So i have been cleaning out Her insicisons twice a day, and making sure She takes Her antibiotic. We really need to get some gauze, and the band aids don't dry anything out. Gross. Moving on...

   i have walked again today. Yesterday was my first day out in quite some time. i also did a lot of abdominal floor exercises too, but today, i am already feeling it. i don't know if that's a sign i am getting old, or it's a sign i need to go a little slower. Either way, my mind keeps wanting to act and perform like it was still 20, and my body says, "i don't think so, jack-ass." But today i discovered in the development across the street some awesome, steep hills. And it was a lovely, tiring time. Wife has been strongly urging me to start working on my fitness and eating. i am a sugar addict, and so i still struggle with the "giving up to God" part. It is frustrating, though, since i let my God take over in every other part of my life. i do come from a controlling family, so i figure it will take awhile...

   When i wake the Wife, i think i am going to ask Her for a belting, paddling, or spanking, Her decision. i miss the contact with Her, and i miss the sparks that fly between us. i miss Us, being Us. No matter what, i need Her, and i will try my best to speak up so She knows i am ready, and at Her disposal.