Transitions

   There is a lot of transition going on not only in both Syr's and my life, but the lives of those around us that we love as well. Not sure exactly what is going on, but you can feel change lingering in the air, ready to snap like a broken branch or dead leaves on the ground.
   My grandfather is suddenly very sick; not only has he been diagnosed with infections in his weak, unsteady legs, but he is also suffering with one kidney shutting down due to the infections. My grandfather and Syr own very big parts of my heart. They were the first to love me unconditionally, and the the first to let me just be me, not trying to compromise who I am for their sakes. So for my papa to be struggling suddenly, i have a sickly, worried heart about it. 
   The stress is further compounded by the fact i cannot get out there to see him because we really don't have gas money. In fact, we will barely have enough for all the appointments we have coming up. He lives just far enough away (12 miles) it puts a crimp in the gas tank. All i can do is pray-a lot.
   Syr and i still haven't done a lot of play, nor have i really been too into my servitude. Like i said, there are many stressors that have unfortunately left me in not a good place. But Syr as always is all right with that. And for that i am grateful. 
   For now, we are just taking it day by day, minute by minute. i only hope it all gets better soon. The stress is killing me slowly.

Not Much Going On Here

   Not really much to mention today. i am really pissed at someone i reached out to who claimed to be into the BDSM lifestyle. Not only did she make fun of and trivialize the bloggers i read, but she trivialized and teased me. She is a trans woman, and what angered me the most was how she belittled me like a man. i am pissed i ever opened up to her, and cannot believe i took her at face value. She seems to think all a BDSM lifestyle is about is pain and domination. She seems to think it is all one big lusty chained up fucking and beating party. From her rude reactions to the submissive and slave bloggers i admire and turn to for better insight on myself, she compartmentalized all of us as mere pain and pleasure sluts. 
   i am trying to figure out how i need to approach this jerk. i asked Syr, and She suggested, if i really need to, write her a letter, and Syr will make sure it isn't too offensive. i don't want to really anger this woman; she is dating one of my best friends who is like a brother to me. But i am angry, and don't even want her to come in my home anymore. 
   Syr suggested next time this poser teases me with a question about pain, or refers to me in the terms only reserved for Syr, that i am to look her point blank in the eye and say "my opinions are that of my Master. Please refer to Her if you want to discuss this." Which will most likely induce more maddening teasing, but Syr will take over. 
   Syr asked me if i noticed this woman never approached Syr about the life. Only me. And until that point, i hadn't really noticed. Syr said She knew anyone with experience in the life would approach the Master before the submissive. And if one really knew protocol, an outsider would certainly not call the Master of the house's submissive by names only used by the Master. 
   Syr is not easily shaken or offended. That is one of many reasons why i love Her. She asked me to think this all over, and see just how effective it will be next time this person is in our house. 
   i was pretty upset last night. i felt angry, humiliated, and pissed. But as always, my beloved Syr eased my troubled little mind, and helped me to see there is always a peaceable solution to everything troubling. i feel blessed my Syr understands!

Sometimes, I go a bit overboard....Part 2

   So now that i finally have the exciting Pride news out, onto how bad i was yesterday. When Syr and the three of us got back to our house, i was aching and tired. For the first few hours, i was on pretty good behavior. i kept filling drinks with ice, and i was doting on Syr quite a bit. 
   My cousin decided we should pork steaks, so as he ran out for them, my friend and Syr and i sat around talking. When my cousin came back from the store, i rushed out to Syr's side and asked if there was anything i could do besides make the scalloped potatoes. "Nothing else," was the reply. The pork steaks were done rather quickly, and we sat down to a yummy feast. 
   After dinner, the four of us sat there for a few hours, just enjoying the cool, the quiet, and just relaxing some more. It was at this point, i really began to slack off. i knew Syr's glass was empty often, i chose to sit on my butt, and play with Facebook. i saw Her getting Her own drinks and ice, and i chose to play dumb about it. By 9 my cousin suggested we eat some ice cream he had bought. Syr looked at me, as if to say, "well go on! get it!" As She went into the bathroom. i jokingly said to my cousin, "tell Her She is the ice cream bitch and to get our ice cream!" My cousin laughed and said that was all on me.
   So when Syr came out, i looked at Her and in my smart-ass tone i replied, "tonight, YOU are the ice cream BITCH!" Go on, and get it! Chop, chop, Maryanne!" Our friend and my cousin burst into laughter. My Syr, gave me the look that says, "Ohhh, you are so going to get a reprimand for this. Prepare!" Even though i laughed too, i felt a little nervous. Syr kindly got us all ice cream, and we stayed up a bit longer.
   Later when Syr and i were talking in bed, Syr told me i needed to be punished. And what do i think would be the most effective punishment? my head reeled. i knew what i had to answer truthfully. i told Her the paddle always makes me learn, since i hate it with a black passion. She smirked, and said "for now you hate it, but i know there will come a time, you love it!" i asked Her if i could ask a question, and She granted it. i apologized really, and told Her since it hadn't seemed like We had been on BDSM protocol for days, i thought it would be all right to tease and demand of Her like that. She acknowledged it, but informed me that i had expressed desire to move forward to another level with our play life. That means, even if we have "off" days, She is still in charge, and i am to obey, no matter what. That was indeed comforting, but as always with my Syr, there is always more. She informed me also that She was going to lift my ban on touching myself this weekend. But now i still am forbidden. And all this week She is going to torture me with bites, and nibbles, and kisses, and caresses to drive me insane. And still no touching. So by Saturday, when She finally allows me release, it can only be the way She tells i can release, and in a certain time constraint. i gulped, but promised Her this time around i would obey Her command not to touch myself. In the past years, i got angry, and ignored that rule, and on top of it, defiantly told her. But it only hurt me. If my Syr says "no touching" i will not touch. i think i am going to be doing a lot of working out. Such a bad little pet, part of me wishes it was going to be 4 or 5 wacks with the paddle. But Syr knows me too well to know i would only learn from that for so long.... 

Sometimes, I go a bit overboard....Part 1

   So, the last few weeks of submission and servitude have been really fulfilling, really wonderful. But, as I spoke of in previous posts, Syr has been struggling with quite a few health issues, most importantly needing insulin and having no money for Her estrogen. Her frequent lack of activity (re: beltings, demanding a blow job, etc) have been nil, so this little pet has been getting grumpy and testy. i need to keep in mind that even the most practiced of BDSM couples, still have vanilla moments, vanilla days. There are times in our lives where we are just not up to D/s mode, and need to be grateful for the love that comes in these down times. Well...i wasn't really wanting to acknowledge that. i have been a brat. But more on that later.
   Yesterday was the Pride Parade in our city. And it was wonderful! It was my first experience being as part of it, and we walked first with Marriage Equality, NY. The energy around us was infectious. It is a nearly 2 mile stretch we walked, and there were often times i wanted to just pull myself over to the curb and rest. But i realized i was only drained because it was 87 degrees. i don't do well in a lot of heat. 
   But back to the energy! Most of the way we shouted things like "What do we want? MARRIAGE! When do we get it? NOW!" Or "Ho, ho, hey, hey, marriage equality is here to stay!" Each block we came upon, there was a new surge of screaming, cheering, and just overall joy. It was humbling for me to see in this 2 mile stretch just how many people my assistance with the marriage equality movement would benefit and help. i was so honored to be a part of it, and do what was most comfortable for me; behind the scenes work.
   Even though i was tired, i never stopped chanting, screaming and cheering. One couldn't help it. Another reason i love pride so much is the sense of community and belonging. i love, as a friendly person, i could walk up to all the trans women and drag queens and take their photo. i could tell them how divine they were. i could hug anyone i saw. That straight supporters were kind and super soaking us in the heat. i love the fact the city cops put on their sirens to drown out the hateful protesters. That everyone is in love with everyone during pride-especially now that we have marriage equality in NY! It is just a feel good weekend!
   i have over 100 photos from the parade, and i only wish i could have gotten more. i accidentally tripped, and dropped Our digital camera before the parade. i had to take it to Syr, since i couldn't fix it. She kept giving me this intense glare, so i thought She was going to blast me. But in the end, She took my picture, because She thought i looked "precious." i thought i was about to burst into tears! 
   By the time the parade was over, Syr and i and my cousin, and our good friend all stumbled back to the car. My cousin bought us drinks, and we sat trying to shake the ill effects of the sun. Thank God for air conditioning! Getting back to the house, we just kind of sat in the freezing sub-zero air and tried to catch our breath. It was back at the house, that my insolence went a little wonky....
 

Holding Pattern....

   The little bit of a play life We have begun to build again is once again on hold. Until Syr is feeling more energized and alert, We are back to Her laying down in a dark room trying to catch Her breath, and me worrying. As sad as this all makes me, it makes me sadder my Wife and my Syr are struggling for some semblance of life, and meanwhile, We are just in a holding pattern, circling until it's safe to land. i really wish i knew what has happened in the last 6 months that She has taken such awful, scary turns for the worst. i hope there is light at the end of the tunnel. i miss having fun and having a life with my Soul Mate. i am really tired of the constant stress. i hope we find the insulin starts to do the trick. Meanwhile, i really want some chocolate, and i don't even eat sugary foods anymore. The old standby of addiction calls, and i need to pray.

Something Better Is Coming

   Today still feels full of stress, but Syr has an appointment at the Diabetic center, to learn how to use Her insulin pens, and how to start dealing with the diabetes head on. Even though i am still gravely concerned, help is in sight. As we speak, She is laying on the couch, really unable to gather energy to get up and get going. We both agreed that most of Her lack of energy is really due to Her blood sugar being out of wack, and the severity of Her COPD. Doesn't make me feel any better, but once again, within the next few weeks, She will see a pulmonary specialist, and all will be handled.
   Meanwhile, We have been trying to walk everyday. i usually walk twice; once with Syr, and once at a little faster pace, by myself. Yesterday Syr and i walked the wooded path near one of Our local beaches. And it was so beautiful! The way sun played through the leaves, and the quietness of the path in the woods. We caught the end of a deer, and saw a bunch of squirrels and robins. Syr was able to go much further than i anticipated. i was impressed with Her perseverance! We got a 45 minute walk in, and happily later on Syrs's blood sugar was only 154! If that is an indicator of what exercise does for a diabetic, i am taking Her out, (dragging Her out) every day!

What The...?

   i'm not sure how, if it's forgetting to take my amoxicillan four times a day the last couple of days, but i feel stuffy, and i am coughing again. And man, am i angry with myself. Have an unexpected $20 coming our way. my brother asked Us to make some mixed CD's for a friend, so i am going to. Hopefully my CD holder in my laptop is not to screwed up, and i will be able to slide the CD's in and out. Not have to resort to Syr struggling for 15 minutes to get the fuckers out. Sigh. i really wish i wasn't so hard on my electronics. i can't even tell you how many times i have dropped my cell phone. i am a klutz. 
   i need to try to get Syr into Our medical doctor's office today instead of tomorrow. When We saw Her urologist, the dr. said Her glucose levels were so high, her organs could shut down. That scared me out of my mind. i was terrified. i didn't realize that was where Syr's health is headed. She did not sleep well last night, i know She was ruminating on what Dr. Baker said. But in another 6 minutes, i will call our MD, and see about getting Her in today, so Our doctor can start Her on insulin. Dr. Baker said that insulin will dramatically change up the horrible problems Syr has been having for the better.
   The secretary was able to get Syr in at 2:30 today, but with the PA. But if the situation calls for it, Our doctor can always be called into the room. i am just glad Syr can be looked over, and possibly started on life-saving, organ-saving insulin to keep Her healthy and well for a long time. i won't be breathing easy until i see Her sugar levels way below 200. They have been over 300 for 7 months, not good at all.
   Went into the back yard to pick raspberries. But since it has been such a dry summer, the raspberries aren't looking too hot. i barely got half a tub full. i felt quite emancipated; i went out in my sports bra, and shorts. In NY, (thanks to my aunt being one of the original Top Free 7,) i could technically go out topless. But instead, i waltz around in my sports bra. i know i am not skinny, hot material to most. But i also know i am not disgusting looking, and besides, Syr really digs it when i go out in a bra. And mostly, knowing it is making Her all hot and bothered, everyone else can take a flying leap off a cliff! i have even been walking around in a sports bra in front of my beloved cousin. And if he can handle it no problem, i am gonna do it. Besides, he lays around his house is boxer briefs, so i think it all takes care of it itself, don't you?
   As soon as my email is finished loading the attachments, i am going to go start breakfast for Syr: Raspberry pancakes, yum! i am just dragging on wanting to cook, i can never stand it! But i know i should probably take on more, if i am going to be more service minded. But oh God, i hate cooking. More on that later. Sigh, time to make the pancakes!

Good Start To The Day

   Finally felt good enough to walk today! As ususal, i only went about 32 minutes; it's all my ankles can take. i came home and stretched like a good girl, and did a bit of weight training. After almost 2 weeks of no exercise, i feel right in my skin again. Between pulling my back muscles, and the sinus infection, i have been hurting for exercise time. i was glad i didn't wake up Syr to walk; it was exrtremely humid even at five to six in the morning. i simply paced myself, drank water, and willed my body to not need to rush to a bathroom. i find at a certain weight, if i cannot use the bathroom before i walk, i am in a rush to get home. But i did fine, and made it home with no accidents, yay!
   We made an executive decision yesterday. We had an alarm system put in, that also controls the appliances and temperature in the house. Syr was very impressed with the guys who came and gave their speel. And i found them easy going and freindly to talk to. They're even coming by with one of their company shirts for me today! (i teased the one rep that i was gonna steal his shirt. What can i say? They're gorgeously orange, and orange is one my absolute favorite colors!)
    So we have an easy set up. i was even able not to bungle it as i turned off the stay alarm so i could go walk. When it's easy enough that even i can't screw it up, it's a win-win for this pet. And quite honestly, i slept deeply last night, a first since we moved back to the city. i was diagnosed with a paranoia disorder several years ago, but the majority of my sypmtoms had disappeared when i got sober. But the fear that someone could brake in left me with a lot of sleepless nights the past year and a half, and i spent many nights sitting in the dark living room swearing i heard someone trying to brake in. Last night brought blessed relief, and i feel even more of my sanity back in my hands!
   When i wake up Syr today, it will be me trying my best to be paitent, waiting for Her to mark my backside. i voiced to Her that i have been really wanting (read: needing) a whipping. Even as i talked about it with Her last night, i got extremely wet. Sadly, She refused to touch me, only grinning and taking my word for it. But with a satisfied sigh, She agreed She would take care of my itch for me. 
   i am so grateful my submissiveness has come gliding back into my heart, this time in full force. i am so thankful i am in need of Her strikes against my backside, the hair pulling, and the nipple torture. i am hungry for the pain, i am hungry for Her demands to fill me past my tipping point. i am so grateful i can connect with Syr in the way again. It has always been a gift that both of Us share with one another, and i am so blessed i can give up myself to Her and Her only.
   i am such a lucky, lucky pet, i feel like i can't stop squirming in my seat. Only another hour and a half before i wake Her up....(groan!) i can do it! i'm a good little pet!

An assignment.

    Syr has given me a task. And for me, it seems almost insurmountable. She wants me to write a book. A slave/submissive language protocol book. i am to contact other Masters, submissive, and slaves, and get insight as to how they interchange with one another. It stems from a desire to find a more respectful direct way to communicate with my own Master. 
   Even though i am nervous to venture out into the community and on-line to find others to talk to, i know it will be a step taken with trust in Syr that i can handle myself, and be successful. And the more i gather, the more i learn about others, and what i can challenge myself to achieve.
   Syr and i had a very intense evening. And intense for Us, has been a long time coming. It started early in the morning, before church. Right before we got ready to leave, Syr nonchalantly asked if i cared to be belted. i myself did not ask, because if Syr thinks i am not physically ready for physical play, She will use full force to teach me a lesson to listen to myself better. But i jumped at the chance, because i felt completely ready for Her touch. 
   She leaned me over the bed, and asked me if i was ready. As soon as i nodded yes, the first strike hit my ass cheek. I squealed. The second was twice as sharp and stingy. i squirmed. The third sent me over the edge. Whenever i feel like i have to pee, i know i have come. As i voiced that to Syr, She laughed. i felt like We had come full circle, and were home again. 
   Later, after Our guests had left from our weekly Sunday dinner, Syr had me lean over the dining room table, with my pants off. The belting this time was even more intense, and had me jumping around the room in pain. Syr was quite humored, and stated beltings would be out here in the future, since Her swing could be a fuller arc, filled with more delicious force.
   Throughout the day, Syr also tormented my nipples incessantly. By the time the dinner was in full swing, my chest ached. But every chance i got, i craved Her touch, i craved the pain. By 9pm, my nipples were at constant attention, and raw. But still i kept my position of hands behind my head, chest arched, and tried not to fall over as She tortured me. How does one describe the raw beauty of severe pain, mingling with absolute ecstasy? In the moment She twisted my nipples, my eyes locked with Hers, i was sure i would float away in bliss as my pussy melted with excitement. i never imagined Her love would be even more intense, six years later. 
   Syr offered to get me off, so i could fall asleep easily. i took Her up on the offer, since i knew i couldn't touch myself at this time. It took a while for me to get off; especially since i get so overstimulated so easily these days. But with a bit of effort, and especially dirty thinking, i succumbed to her touch, and let loose. It was a well-earned orgasm! 
   Syr tried to get me to come again, but i screamed and begged Her no. It took everything in me to get the first one out, there was no WAY i could go for another. And as She gently pulled Her fingers out of me, i felt guilty for not letting Her push me further. If anyone knows my body, it's Her, right? But the guilt slipped away, as sleepiness took over. And sleep was close on my heels.
   This morning i readied Syr's tea, and patiently (read: impatiently!) waited for Her to get up. She asked for another 9 minutes, but couldn't sleep. She smiled mischievously at me and said it was because She was picturing the belting across my ass, and my squeals. Eagerly i took my position on the bed, ass up, torso flat on the bed, waiting for her to come back from the bathroom. 
   Without warning, She laid 5 harsh hand spanks to my ass cheeks. Telling me to get off the bed, and meet Her in the living room, i cheerfully jumped off the bed, and ran out to the table.
   Syr only got three strikes in, before i felt i couldn't take more. i lovingly kissed Her belt, and hugged Her tightly. Later on i told Her i wanted more, like a cropping or a whipping. And was it because i could handle more with brakes? Or was it just my mind?
   Syr said She knows i could definitely handle a lot more with small brakes. But for now, We are going slow, because i am still getting over my cold, and She wants me to heal. All i know is i am anxious for Her marks and bruises again. i am so ready. 

Get Up and Go, Got Up and Went

   Well, today is our weekly dinner, and i have no drive to clean. i'm feeling better, but otherwise, would rather just sit in old comfy clothes, and not shower. But instead, i have to get my energy up to clean Our filthy kitchen, (which is the state it has been in for a week. i cannot believe Syr let me let it go!) the bathroom, shave, shower, lotion my self up, and wear something nice. i'm pretty sure Syr has let the house go like She has since neither one of Us has felt healthy enough to tackle it. But while She is at church, my job is to clean, not slack. But oh man, i wanna slack. 
   i am considering asking some new friends if they would like to read my blog. Although i am not sure about one or two of them. i know there are a few who would find it fascinating, but knowing that they wish to covet me away from Syr with half serious, half joking proposals, i am not sure they are the ones i want reading this. 
   There are a couple others i know would find it fascinating, but they badly want to be a part of Syr's and mine's world. And even though that is humbling and sweet, Syr and i are strictly monogamous. That means not only do we love only each other, it means i only serve my Syr, and She only plays with me. 
   These friends in particular mean a lot to me; i value their opinions, and i value their gentle hearts. i think i need to talk to Syr and see what She thinks. i am always dying for feedback. 
   Yesterday i ate my words-again. i insisted all day that i could provide Syr with a luscious, slow blow job to blow Her mind. i insisted i could fool around and have sex. Syr, from first thing in the morning, said "No! you're sick, you can't play or have sex!" Oh, but my little heart didn't want to hear that. 
   After pushing and teasing, and pestering Her all day, after dinner She finally said "Ok, now you can give me that blow job. Let's head to bed." Excitedly, i jumped on the bed, and settled between her legs. With my head bowed, that's when it began: sniff. sniff, sniff, sniffff. i looked up at Her with a frustrated scowl. And my Syr began to laugh. "What's wrong, little bear?" She asked. i dropped my head against Her stomach, and groaned my protest. i so wanted to be right!
   So instead we ended up talking a bit, and i read Syr a H.P. Lovecraft story aloud, since She was having trouble reading and concentrating on Her own book. And in the end, when i finally fell asleep, i knew it was a good thing i hadn't fooled around. As much as i didn't care for the facts, i knew it would have set me back again further. Sigh. i wish this damn cold were gone. i wanna get on with life, and better yet, life in a spotless house! Grrr!

Back In The Saddle

   i'm feeling better today, although Syr still refuses to have sex with me on account there may be some lingering sinus nastiness yet to rear its head. i am still a bit dizzy on my feet, but otherwise feeling much better. i am not really having to cough or blow my nose much; i think the amoxicillan is finally taking affect. Since We are back to restrictions on when i can and can't touch myself, i am seriously starting to get frustrated. Oh well for me!
   Tomorrow for our weekly Sunday dinner Syr is cooking a ham and a full chicken, rotisserie style. Our friend found the parts that go to the grill he gave us, so now we test it out tomorrow! That, with sweet corn on the cob and watermelon, should be a lovely dinner! i only hope it is not too hot so my Syr doesn't get sick in the heat.
   The house is still nice and cool with the air conditioner in the living room, so cleaning is no longer a hassle. But knowing Syr like i do, i don't believe She is going to let me do much still. 
   i am certainly learning to be a woman of leisure!

Bed Day

   Due to too much over exertion yesterday, i felt really rundown by the time Syr and i went to bed last night. She was disappointed that i did not listen to my sick self, and ask Her for help cleaning around the house. She said i put my servitude before Us a couple, and that wasn't right. i in turn tried to plead my case, that i really felt fine as i cleaned, being in a little servitude sub space. It wasn't until the end of the day i realized how run down i was. So Syr decided today is a bed day: i am not to leave bed unless going to the bathroom. So last night, i happily piled all my books, journals, word puzzles, and laptop next or on my night stand, and i am perched in bed.
   Syr said She will be making my favorite tuna fish and onion for lunch, and for dinner, homemade chicken noodle soup. She is so good to me, my little heart jumps for joy. 
   Last night We decided We would try more surrender of my control to Syr. i told Her it felt like a good time to test all waters. But i informed Her, that if this is going to last and feel right, i trust Her in going really slow with me. Like with my sobriety, We need to take this one moment, one instance at a time. And i am happy as a clam about it. i have never felt more ready to step into the pool of servitude, and taking Our time seems the right way to go. 
   i now ask her daily which scented lotions or sprays i should use when around the house, or going out. i also ask permission to go to the bathroom, and for eating. i am generally asking permission for everything, and so far it seems good.
   Syr wants me to start researching and working on a book of slave/submissive dialogue. There doesn't seem to be many books on the subject, and i want to find a way to speak with reverence and respect to Syr, even in Wife/wife mode. i like finding my submissive soul; it further calms my frustrations, and temper, and i can fall into the moment, like i can devotion to God, and surrendering negativity. 
   Even though i am already antsy and squirming in bed, i know it is for my own good, and Syr has my best interests at heart. i am a lucky wife, and an even luckier submissive!

Sometimes....

   Not that there have been many moments, but once in awhile, Syr frustrates me to no end. i may not have the life experience She does, but there have been moments i begged Her to try something different, due to my experience with it, and in turn, She refused. Then, when all was said and done, She lost out, not attempting a path i was pretty sure would benefit Her. 
   So, once again, We are at one of those crossroads with Her insurance, and the possibility of Botox for Her chronic migraines. The company that distributes the Botox called Syr, and asked Her if She can afford the whopping $1100 price tag. She said no. So instantly, She thinks She is denied. i have gently asked Her to at least call Her insurance company, just because they could tell Her first hand if She is denied or not. i once again tried to ask Her to check it out, and She let out Her exasperated sigh, the one that makes me want to scream out my frustration at Her. "Yes, I will call," She said in a tight, strained voice. That attitude makes me want to battle it out. But instead, i merely thanked Her, and left the bedroom. Why oh why can She not take my word once in awhile? With so many benefits She has lost out on, why does She not want to listen to me once in a while? It makes me feel insignificant. 
   i am trying to process it all, and i know i will have to sit and talk to Her later about my hurt and angry feelings. If nothing else, this is a lifelong lesson i have to get used to. Syr, is stubborn, and will always want to do things Her way, since that is the only way She has lived for so long. i wish it didn't have to be this way, but it may be a life lesson i have to swallow whole, and just accept. Sometimes.....

Just Another Day...

   Nothing to report today. Still groggy and dizzy from this stupid sinus infection. The house is a mess, but i really can't get anything done without Syr's help. So, until She is ready to clean, the house stays as is. It is driving me crazy! 
   Went to the Cinema last night, a first for Syr and i. There was both good and bad to it. The really good was the cat in residence that wanders around the theatre. She sat near Us and our friends for most of the movies. The first movie, "Cave of Forgotten Dreams" was about the Chevaus caves in France where they discovered the prehistoric cave paintings. From what i learned in art history, i knew there wasn't much to the caves. But they somehow dragged out the documentary for an hour and a half. The film crew was only allowed amature video cameras, and the filming quality screwed with Syr's head and mine. Their shaking and giggling of the camera, and the upside down shots gave us instantaneous headaches. There was one odd moment in the movie. It was almost Monty Python like. The shot is of a wild-looking elderly man sniffing rocks. You don't know why he is sniffing the rocks. Then he goes on to say he was president of France's perfuming community for 20 years. Then he gives one more sniff, and he is done. 
   The second movie was "There Be Dragons." And the movie itself was lovely. But the screenplay seemed written by a freshman in college. There were three story lines going on in the movie, and none of them were followed through. There were alot of holes that one couldn't fill in. But a plus to the movie was the historically accurate costumes and sets. That made me happy.
   After 3 and half hours, Syr's back and mine were screaming. The seats did Us no good. Not to mention it was VERY LOUD. By the time We and Our friends left, Syr and i were in rough shape. 
   Close to home, i joked with Syr how living in the city now we couldn't escape the bright street lights. She laughed and agreed, and We both endured in silence till We hit home.
   When We were finally in bed, We slammed both movies, and then i fell silent, as my throat and ears were still on fire. i think Syr had finally fell asleep.
   This morning, my back still tinges, and i am struggling to not fall over. But i am glad it is quiet in Our living room, save for the hum of the air!
   Syr is working with me on finishing up my step work for my sobriety journey. i am struggling on focusing and getting done. i am trying to do a bit each day, but then i get distracted. As long as i have it done by Friday, i'm good. For now, i am just going to lay low, and try not to fall over when i stand up.

Getting Back In The Saddle

   Oh my gosh, how much time has flown by since i last wrote? Many many months. i got lost in the worry of finances, hustling to doctor appointments, and struggling to make ends meet. Syr and i had been in a  pseudo-vanilla holding pattern as We both struggled with different aliments that seemed to come out of the blue.
   Syr has been struggling with chronic migraines for well over a year. They have affected Her every day living, and sadly have affected our quality of life.  If She is not bunched up in bed with Her head to the wall, She is asleep on the couch since that makes the headaches go away. When She cannot get in for a nerve blocker at our neurologist, She is unable to do much of anything, that including sex, or going for walks, two of Our favorite things to do. 
   So in turn, we have been laying low at home for months with the shades drawn. She restless and in pain, me worried and frustrated. If not for our friends coming by to hang out here and there, i think i would go insane.
   And that makes me feel bad. i hate getting frustrated with Syr. She knows Her health problems are what have held us back from a lot. And i know it makes Her frustrated and sad also. So when i get short and snappy, it does no good for either one of Us. 
   i have been having better days; as of late, i find myself throwing myself into daily household work and chores with zest, knowing it's not Syr's cup of tea. i find myself less and less resentful She does not think to offer to help, especially since She told me She knows i find comfort in this type of service. And when i think about it, i do enjoy what i do to make our house a home. Since coming to a great point in my sobriety and my personal mind set, i am finding i feel ready to start exploring more of my submissive side again. Syr has been so very patient with me, and in turn i have not been able to walk away from our BDSM path. i may not be able to take the corporal play as i once did,  but now We realize that even four or five beltings will bond us as 45 minutes of it used to. 
   There are days i will right on top of everything that Syr needs for the day, where appointments are, and making sure Her drinks are poured, and She has what She needs. And then there will be days i can't get it together for love or money. And that is all ok. i am a work in progress, i have a whole lifetime to get things down right. i have a Dominant who loves me, for everything i try to do for Her, and everything i strive to be is just right for the both of us. With this in mind, i think i am happily coming to a new chapter in the book of Our life together, and learning about the sweet submissive within me.