Teetering On The Edge Of A Whole New Way Of Life

   Syr's interview went brilliantly today. Her gut, as well as mine and our best friends' all said it was hers as well. If She gets the position in the one location, She would start within a week. Is She gets the position in the back location, She starts October/November. Either way, a job is coming, and we are on edge. 

   The manager and assistant manager were more than impressed with Her experience. And since She is overqualified, we don't know yet what She'll start at. We already figured out we can live comfortably on even $10 dollars an hour when i worked once upon a time. 

   They might call as early as tomorrow. If not tomorrow, Wednesday.

   Crawling in and out of our skin is not far from the truth.

   This job will bring us a whole new way of life we have never lived before. We have always been struggling, and financially on the edge.

   To be comfortable, secure and able to have a quality of life far better than we have ever known is blowing our minds.

   i hope i sleep, but i don't see it coming.

   pray, pray, pray......

Might Be A New Chapter

   Today Syr has an interview. We were excited since the interviewer called less than a day and a half after Syr put in the application. i already have Her shirt and pants pressed, and Her tie ready. Magic time comes in a few hours! 
   
   i have done some real damage to my Achilles tendon. Syr thinks i have Achilles tendinitis. If i do, it sucks. It is hard to put any weight on my ankle, and now my other foot is sore from favoring it so much for the last few days. How did i do it? As usual, i overdid it, with too much walking too far, and too long a pace. i kinda figured when i went from a 17 minute mile to a 21 minute mile in three days nothing but bad was up. So now, i am on forced rest, and i cannot stand it. i hate, absolutely hate having to forcibly relax. 

   i am doing remarkably well with my abstinence, though. As an addict, it is always a massive relief when we can give everything we have been unsuccessfully trying to control to our God. And when we do, life opens up a whole new door; a freer, simpler, more peaceful life. 

   i have had a lot of emotional garbage and vulnerability come up in the last 48 hours due to being around my family two days in a row. But the awesome thing was, food was the farthest from my mind to dull my self with. i knew it was finally time to face these hurts and pain. Wifey let me figure out how to say it the way i needed to say it. As an actively sober addict for 10 years, i hold what She has to say with great respect. She informed me that the first year is always the hardest. And in turn, so are the emotional highs and lows. One feels everything more acutely, more vividly, because we are now working without the very things that helped us numb out. We are working on a whole new plane of thinking, since God is who we rely on for all instances. And i have to say, in the last three weeks, i have never cried more, or come to so many truths and realizations i couldn't have found without surrendering. Life is a new bunch of lessons and experiences everyday. i go to be exhausted, but sleep like a baby. 

   This next few weeks is all about eating right and being aware. Since i can't really walk or bike, Syr has said She would weight train with me, and we could do "other aerobic activity." Wink wink!! i still can do my floor exercises, work with my stability ball, so at least i am doing something. i now think, "minute by minute" instead of where will my weight be in a week? What size will i be in three months?

   As for my submissiveness, i have been in regular service to my Wife most everyday. i keep the house clean, i keep up on all the laundry, i clean the bathroom, and i make sure She always has a good, warm meal. At one point in my youth, i would have rather died than be like this-my mom was a housewife, by force, and was always resentful and passive aggressive. But She and my father never had a functioning, healthy relationship. My Wife and i are best friends, and unlike my poor mom who didn't see her future as a wife and mother coming, i have seen it, and i actively chose it, because i like how cozy it is. i have a loving Wife who would be just as supportive if i wanted to work, or go to school full time. She always stresses this is my journey, and She wants me to find my inner happiness. With those kind of loving, safe parameters, who wouldn't want to serve their soul mate? Who wouldn't want to make their Wife or Husband happy? 

   i am hoping, as my tendons heal, and i get some of my stamina back, Syr and i can get back into play again. There have been the lulls in the bedroom too, but it is just the stress of finances backing us up against walls. But no matter what, we will always get through it with God and each other. Life is awesome!

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming....

   In the immortal words of Dori the fish, "Just keep swimming." Syr and i have been doing just that. The last couple of days, we were so close to a rollicking good time, but headaches, or Syr's hip pain got in our way. Last night i had cleaned all "Implements of Destruction," but we were both suffering from headaches. Again. Although our chance at passionate sex and mauling keeps slipping from us, i have to say i am so proud of Syr especially and myself for continuing to be persistent. 
   
   It all starts with a daily beating, whether it be with a belt, Her hand, or a (shiver*) the paddle. 

   We got the formula, just how to start the games again? i will be paitent. Because it will all come together.

   It always does! Until then, i will just watch Her, love Her, and adore Her...

I always go back to what I know

   Good times! Syr (Yes, i am going to try to use the name more again,) and i have been slowly edging back to our BDSM life. The last few days have been awfully lovely; with small whippings, and more spankings than i could possibly remember. Syr has been doing part-time work with landscapers, so She is working heavy equipment for several hours a day. The result? A stronger arm for heavier croppings and spankings....(yay!) 
  
   i begged Syr to bring up the play idea if i do not mention it throughout the day. i usually would forget, and be wrapped up in my own little world. The result that comes from no regular play, or being put in my place, everything else suffers, and i become intolerable. At least i think i am intolerable. The more committed Syr and i are to nurturing my need for submission i feel W/we could get to a really lovely place in our life. It doesn't help i keep forgetting my appointments with my therapist. She is a terrific therapist, and could really help me to move forward and leave the past in the past but until i am weaned off this last mood stabilizer, my memory sucks. i know. i need a day planner. 
   
   At the moment, Syr is slowly waking up from night's slumber. And She looks absolutely breathtaking in the early morning light. Her skin is so smooth and supple, and Her curves just take my breath away. She is always a lovely sight to behold! i only wish i could jump on Her and attack Her with love and my need. But unfortunately She has to work this morning, so no attacking, no pouncing. Just staring with longing, and trying to will 2:30 to come quick. 
   
   School starts in less than 4 weeks. And part of me is excited, and another part wants more time with Syr, our friends, and to just laze around more. my brain is not really being challenged, unless i pick up a word problem book, or play mah-jong. So, i am looking forward to tweaking my brain on a daily basis. 
   
   i'm really out of my mind with lust for Syr. W/we got back into ass play last night, and i am on such a high. After Her orchiectomy, we really stopped utilizing my ass so much, so fast forwarding almost three years later, to get back into it really gets me going. W/we had tried off and on in the past, but it just wasn't working for me. i am an unusual girl. i can orgasm several times being fucked up the ass. i never have vaginally. i have always been curious what exactly makes it so good for me, but if i never find out, it won't be any hardship. And the way Syr looks at me as She is playing with me, i feel so loved, so wanted, so sexy. Lately, the sex hasn't been frequent, but it has been extremely intense, leaving me wanting more. i have heard the longer you're with someone, the quantity may wane, but the intensity only gets stronger. And it is so true, and so worth it.
  
   i have been working on my food abstinence and exercise for the last week. i am starting to feel a little more energized, and i like it. On Friday, i spent 2 and a half hours walking through our city's massive Victorian cemetery. i had a blast. The tomboy in me scrambled, climbed, slid, walked and trekked through the gorgeous secluded landscape, and beautifully carved tombstones. I relished the quiet, rare cool of the August morning. It was a hint of what fall has in store. A few pictures i took actually showed the brilliance of the turning leaves. The red and yellow was such a lovely contrast around the ivory and gray stones. But the morning in the cemetery started a trend with me; i now am trying to challenge myself to push a little harder with my workouts, see how far i can go to hit extreme fatigue. i am eating good foods as well: tofu, veggies, more lean meats. i really have no choice though. A new doctor feels i may have developed a gluten/diary intolerance. That would explain the massive headaches after i ate chips or processed bologna. Although i will miss my delicious German bologna, it has been a blessing overall to develop these problems. i have mentioned before i am a food/sugar addict. So for me my God is doing what i just could not do myself. And guess what? No headaches, no cramping, no pain, no nausea. i am a happy camper. And i already feel better when it comes to interacting with my Wife. When i eat better, and exercise, i always feel sexier, and i am more apt to do a little strip tease for her, or give her a lap dance. When i am taking care of myself, i want to play more, i want to be more submissive, i just feel so good! i guess i have a theme here!
  
   it's almost time to work out with my best friend. Although she only goes 40 minutes, in that time i can get one hell of a workout. i will do random hills on the treadmill or bike at level 9 or 11. Or, if my knees are doing okay, i will do 45 minutes on the elliptical. Either way, i am geared up, and ready to go. Perhaps it will make 2:30 come that much quicker!

It's been too long

   It seems i only seem to keep up with this blog when i feel myself slipping back into my comfy, submissive spot. And when i step away, i am always devastated. i began picking up a little more servitude in the last couple of days, and now i am helping Wifey get her morning off to a good start, by making breakfast, helping her dress, and making sure meds are ready, glasses are clean, and picking up any other loose ends that might pop up.
   
   This time, though i haven't mentioned this is what i want to do. i just am doing it. I find often when i mention or discuss what i need/plan to do, i always fall short. i guess i am trying to do more, and not talk so much. Talk is cheap, actions speak louder than words. 
   
   The summer has brought with it many sad events as well as happy ones: great parties with friends, lots of luxurious alone time with Wifey, time to read many great books, a lot of solitary, quiet walks early in the morning. But on the flip side, there has still been lack of money, stressing bills, a possible jaw realignment in my future, and three very close friends moving away, which i either cannot accept, or haven't dealt with yet, i'm not sure. But then again, with sad change always comes new possibilities. A new group of friends to get to possibly get to know through school, and a possible new church to check out, since our old church turned on people we loved, and in turn, rejected the rest of us. 
   
   Still, i am only hoping the next few weeks before school turn slowly, so i have more time to enjoy life; the ups and downs, the happy and sad. Because i have realized, life is too short not to experience everything.
   
   i am not ready to call Wifey "Syr" yet; i always get self conscious about it anyway. Maybe if She herself brings it up, well, then i will talk about it. But it is so hard to use a title; as much as i like that place it puts me in, it is so hard to be there. i wish i knew if other submissives had as hard a time as i did. i know some do, but others are so private.
  
    Wifey and i also got in a little whipping last night. By "little" i mean about 9 lashes-nothing hard by any means. It felt nice, and i would like to do more tonight. i only wish the last stingy one wasn't the one that made me squeal "um, i'm good!" And as always, i still get on myself for instantaneous shaking and need to quit quickly. But, we haven't played in ahwile, what do i expect?
  
   i am looking forward to this morning, a close friend, Meg is coming over to hang out. She leads a "life" but is on the other end of the spectrum. i plan to pick her brain today about being a Dominatrix, and how her mind works. i always have people i want to hurt, but i would never. Play? Actually doing it, not for me, thanks. Especially with Wifey. Wifey has offered repeatedly to help me learn how to use our "implements of destruction" but that's not my thing-especially practicing on my Wife. i guess i know where i fall on the BDSM spectrum!

   So, i am off to finish more laundry, and get the house ready. i hope it's another day i can learn to be gentle with myself.