For Your Birthday, I...

   Today is my beautiful Maker's birthday. She is 50, and looks like a glowing, ageless angel. i hate to say it, but the fact She's turned 50 has turned my screws like nobody's business. i think it comes from when i was in my early 20's, and always had crushes on older men. the age difference is a turn on, and when i look at my Wifely, fifty suits Her perfectly well. 
  i woke Her up this morning with with gusto (heh heh) and happily made her ginger tea while She got ready for the day. i felt awesome; i made her a Dr.Who themed picture for her birthday, and She loved it. It made me feel like i could jump the moon. i funnily couldn't sleep, because the thought of jumping on her in the morning was too exciting and charged me way too much. i love the fact She continually charges my fire, and nowadays, my flame is intensely hot and bright.
  So trying to figure out what to write today, i figured out what felt right: a wish list for my Girl. So here it goes:
  i pledge, each day, to take care of myself; to learn to love who i see in the mirror, and to do my best to eat and drink healthily, take care of my skin, and involve myself in activities that stimulate my brain and help me stay calm, such as my drawing, writing, and playing music.
  In turn, i will be able to each day learn to organize my life better, so in turn i can Serve You better. The more organized i am, the easier it is to be attentive and wait on Your every need. And that is always a burning need, whether i am in the mindset to Serve or not. i always, always want to. 
  i will learn to be more gentle on myself, by not beating myself up for something as serious as dropping a vase, or as non-serious as spilling milk on the table. By being gentle with myself, i will be able to take orders or dismisiveness with a gleam in my eye and not a tear, but more seriously, be able to take critique and critical comments that have to do with servitude or everyday issues. 
  also, being more gentle on myself, will make play twice as pleasurable. when i am not dealing with pain, play is an angry release for a short-lived amount of time. when i am free to let my body, soul, mind, senses, and heart enjoy the punishments You meter out with love, sadism,  patience and respect, i am able to fly freely, smile, cry, and bond with You on levels i cannot even try to understand. 
  i promise not a day will go by that i won't let You know how much i love You, and how much You have changed my life. i know You already know it, but as Your chosen pet, i honor and cherish the daily, constant opportunity to express my devotion and love. it's like a daily gift!
  i also promise i will continue to do my best to always stay in the moment, communicate, look you in the eye, and to never go to bed angry. i will continue to apologize when i am wrong, and be accountable for anything i do that i am aware of. Living a healthy lifestyle dictates it, and You have been a shining example to follow.
  As for play, i will continue to work on being constantly open and available to You whenever the whim hits You. In turn, i will not be sullen and passive-aggressive when You are not in the mood but i may be.
  i am, and will continue to, always cherish all your kisses. You kiss like a dream. Your tongue tastes delicious, and being wrapped up snug in your arms is a peaceful quiet oasis.
  my body will be available to you to spank, slap, tweak, pinch or bind, or simply to kiss and hug. i rarely never have issue with affection, but sometimes i hate nip pinching!
  i will always relish and take comfort in the fact that not only  You love me, but You covet me, You own me, and You have the right to do what You feel. i know You cherish me, and will never do anything that would break me mentally or physically. 
  Most importantly, i will thank the stars above that after 10 years, You still love me, and want me like when we first met. Knowing i am loved and kept is the year long gift that never stops giving. 
  Happy, happy Birthday, my Beautiful Maker, My Insane Beest, My Clever, Creative Maker, and my Beautiful, Kind, Sweet, Wifely! 
Love, pet xxx

...so! let's try this again, a different way, for completely different reasons.

  i was not at all surprised to see i had not posted anything in about three years. at the time of the last blog, i was pretty much stumbling around in an angry, confused daze, making life most unpleasant for everyone around me, including myself.

  i was not comfortable telling the world of my heart's desires to serve my Wife, simply because i was not comfortable in my own skin. so in my opinion, my blog reflected my life; stumbling, lost, disconnected.

  in the last three years, the Universe has graced me with a lot, but some of the biggest are the ability to truly begin to trust and love my Wife (whom i also refer to as Maker, or Beest,) and to begin to trust and love myself; a leap of faith that i have yearned for for almost 40 years.

  in these growth spurts, i have had to work so very hard at letting go of what i cannot control or create, (which sucks for a German control freak, i mean, seriously.) and learn in the process of letting go to find grace with everyday life, including the grace of being alive. 

  on one hand, i am amazed how hard it is to be gentle with ourselves. on the other hand, it doesn't strike me as strange that i identify purely as a submissive soul. in fact, my Maker and i refer to me as Her pet, because of the very nature of our relationship.

  Maker is 11 years older than me, but is so positive and full of joy, i have never felt the difference. Her devotion, protection, and adoration of me over the past 10 years has been clearly evident since our first date when i..um..passed out in Her lap. She leads a 24/7 sober life, and in turn has been a mentor and a role model for facing my own addictions, mainly food. 

  the desire to "meet Her halfway" so our marriage and relationship are more balanced has been my goal ever since. and i feel proud to say (shyly) i know i am beginning to meet Her on life's and Love's terms finally. it is damn hard, annoying work. but when i can look in Her eyes, and say "i love You" or "i'm sorry," with no self shame, it is worth it. and knowing i make Her proud of me sustains me like no one else ever has.

  you see, i had lived a pretty isolated, hurting life up until i met Maker. and then getting to know Maker, i found She had as well. meeting someone who understands loneliness and heart brake really helps to grow a fast bond. and bond with my Maker i have.

  in the 10 years i have stumbled around, sometimes blindly, sometimes too aware, my Maker has been a wise and protective Domme. She has known when to push me, and when to hold me and let me (or make me) cry. She has supported my insecurities, lauded any and all efforts, and called me on my shit everytime i was out of line. (not just in our D/s life, but in the day-to-day grind.) 

  but what makes Maker such an ideal Wife, and Domme, is her wisdom to not interfere in my self discovery and growth. rather She steps back, quietly observes, and offers guidance when i am truly faltering. this in turn (i have begun to realize) is the very reason i am more confident in myself, making decisions, and learning to trust my own opinions, ideas, and choices. She has, in Her brilliant way, helped me find my voice, and make me realize i want to answer only to Her everyday, with confidence and loving devotion full of joy and love-fire.

  so that brings me back to this here simple little blog. i am going to learn how to promote it, to spread the word, and to put my self out in the Internet bloggosphere-no matter how scary it feels. it builds confidence, character, and i'm told will put hair on my teeth.

   beginning my blog again had another point as well. i have grown frustrated with the fact that i never can find bloggers who identify as "pets" without an animal reference or lame references to "fake kink play" thrown in. part of the reason i adore the bdsm subworld is the fact that most people try to identify with the traditional "old guard" mindsets, and then find where they curl up and fit in just right.

  the facts for me and my life: i see myself as a pet. a pet who loves, adores, worships, idolizes, and yearns to be around her Wife, Maker, Beest 24/7. yet because of our life experiences and lifestyles, we alter it to fit within everyday confines, and ensure we are taking care of our selves mentally, spiritually and emotionally. 

  my every waking moment revolves around doing and serving my Wife, and adoring and nurturing our feline love child. i would most desire to simply be kept at home, and only go out with Maker when She chooses. unfortunately though, with social phobias to deal with, Maker knows that would not help me to grow as a stable devoted pet; rather i would regress, and the unknown fears would drown me.

  the more i came to realize this, i began to see that a "traditional" D/s relationship would not work. rather, learning to work with our strengths instead of struggling with the weaknesses, we end up creating a lovely hybrid relationship that works for us.

  i by no means see myself as a slave in the near future. it seems far too scary, and (in O/our eyes) it unfortunately would alter how hard we have worked to connect. however, living submissively, devotedly 24/7 with guidelines that dictate open communication and respect sounds blissfully ideal to both of U/us, and actually feel and seem manageable. and manageable is good!

  so for those of you who find my blog, i thank you, and i am open to any interchange, or questions. i sincerely feel one cannot grow without learning about other's experiences. and besides, i too have many, many questions unasked myself. namaste <3 font="">