Been So Long, And i Feel So Lost....

   It's been awhile since i have written any of my thoughts down. But i will keep you (and myself) up on what has been (or not been,) going on.

  i have had a hard time focusing, remembering and asking for what i should need so i can get used to them: (spankings, whippings, paddlings, beltings,)  i have absolutely not been on the ball with keeping the house up, or sitting at Syr's feet, or being generally more compliant. 

  i am so off, i am ready to beat myself.

  i know it's because i am not working on my head innards. i haven't been journaling, staying positive, getting to my therapist, or stayed focused on my future goals, even showing gratitude for anything Syr has tried to do. i am struggling to stay focused on my God, and i am failing there as well. i need to do a lot of head work.

   i already knew it, just had to put it to the Internet universe...

Back To The Grind...

   Oh, it's been a distracting few days, to say the least. A mouthy submissive, and a house that is well within the parameters of messy. i am so annoyed with myself that it happened so quickly, but here i am, and here we are. 

   Because Syr hasn't felt well the last few days due to her surgery stitches giving Her a hard time, and i have just fell out of the mood for daily/hourly play quickly. Syr informed me last night that She is always in the mood for play, even if She cannot go too long. So i glumly realized it wasn't both of us, and it was me. (Sniff.) i plan to offer my body this morning like i had been doing, to see where i am at. i wish i didn't fall so out of play mode so quickly, but i seem to. i guess it is just something We/i need to keep up on, no matter what if i want to become a better submissive/slave. 

   If i haven't been performing my loyal and wanting submissive duties, what have i been doing? Well, truth be told, i have been working on short stories, and drawing. my cousin was sitting with my Wife the other night, and my Wife was lauding my talents to other people about my drawing skills. So, i thought, if my Wife, my cousin, and the other friends they were speaking to, three people whose opinion i trust more than most in the world think i have talent, in order to grow, i need to stop dismissing people's compliments like my mother and grandma have always done when they were complimented. i need to take those compliments, and were them like a crown of love and pride. Most of all, i need to USE these talents and grow. So, i have been. So far, i drew my first portrait, my dear friends dog, Parker. i am actually proud of how lovely it came out. i have also done a portrait of the blazing red lilies in our side yard. i love lilies, and i was especially excited to find out there were red ones, my favorite color. i also have been writing. Not working on my science fiction project from Syr but my own. Today, we work on the science fiction again.

   Syr and i went with friends and saw "Clash of the Titans." i am an action movie lover. But when it involves mythology, i am even more there. Syr wanted me to read Greek mythology stories when we first met, but i refused. Dumb girl! Now i am so excited about cracking the books open. Syr finds it amusing, but happy it is finally happening. 

   Well, i have a back yard to mow, berries to pick, and a house to catch up on. i am now going into busy girl mode. Hopefully also i will go into "dirty girl mode," and "whipping post girl!" Have a lovely one!

Power and Passion

   i had a bit of a problem adhering to routine, and getting things in order for play yesterday. i blame the hot book i am still reading, and i also blame myself for not realizing i have to now learn how to be hyper vigilant. i lately am in such a high state of arousal, everything else seems to have fallen by the wayside. 

   my first line of mistakes began with no attention to Syr's drinks throughout the day. She didn't say anything until She woke up from Her nap, and i still hadn't filled Her drink. Then, as She caught up on Her emails, i neglected to hear Her shaking Her empty glass, waiting for me to jump. i didn't. i was completely absorbed in the book. (eek!) It only got better from there. By "better" i mean it couldn't have gotten worse. 

   Syr told me what my punishment was to be, and somehow i only heard "paddling and belting- as much as i can handle." i wish i could argue and say it might have been my CAPD at work, which would mean i was so high strung that only certain things filtered through. But i didn't think of that in my panic, and i certainly wasn't going to try to use it if i did. Perfect (or almost) perfect adherence is possible, i just have to create a system to make it work. In turn, only the paddle and the belt were carefully laid out. When Syr saw them, She was amused by yet more mistakes. Oh dear God, i'm screwed, i thought at this point.

   Once i gathered the restraints, and placed them neatly on the bed, Syr went for additional punishment tools-and they were in a sad state of dustiness. In fact, as Syr struck the air, the dust strings actually floated and exploded in front of my face of both the small and long crop. Syr dryly reminded me that even if toys are not used, they are to be ready at all times. The look on Her face told me i was in for a world of hurt, and She looked happy to show me just how much.  At this point, i really started laughing, because i really wanted to cry. But i was so charged, i was as ready for my punishments as i could be.

  Since Syr has been pleased with my absorption in the book, and my quick adjustment to a constantly aroused state, She decided to punish me based loosely on scenes from the book- on my ass and elsewhere.

   With hands behind my back where they belonged, She cropped my tits and stomach repeatedly, and it was hard not to allow my body to react naturally by turning away from Her. My nipples were twisted and yanked in a most viscous manner but i was already groaning with excitement as the tears struggled not to leave my eyes. 

   Syr then shoved my head face down on the bed, as She now enjoys doing. While i tried not to whimper, She paddled my ass so hard i screamed like i never had in my life. The tears were now flowing, there was nothing i could do about it. i struggled to stand up and face Her while She asked me if i was prepared for my belting as well. i so badly wanted to shake my head "no," but giving up quickly is the past i am leaving behind. i gave Her the smallest of nods, and She shoved me down again. With only one crack of the belt i screamed and the tears exploded. i begged Her, "please Syr please no more," i then stood up to look Her in the eye, albeit shaking and unsteady, i wanted to convey to Syr i was fully prepared to move on. 

   When She was satisfied with Her evaluation of me, She commanded me to crawl up on the bed. i did so, and with tears struggling to stop, She bound me in the cuffs, and tied to me to the bed. She went over to the play drawer, and took out a slim vibrator we have, and have not used much. She turned it up high, and leaned in front of my pussy, and with the darkest of smiles, turned it up against my cunt. She stated She would be back in a bit, and not to move, or i would be punished. i squealed in terror. i found though, the vibrator wasn't doing the job, and i called Her in twice. i finally tried to "fix" things myself, and move my thighs a little. To my horror, the vibrator slipped off my vag completely. Oh no. i had to call Syr in to adjust it again. It just wasn't hitting anything. When Syr saw the slip, Her tone became malicious. She reprimanded me, and gave me four harsh croppings across my thighs. i squealed like a little girl, going feral and crazy all at the same time. Welts appeared instantly; i was sobbing again. "Maybe that'll teach you not to move." She said.


   i was so strung out, that as Syr placed Herself between my legs, i didn't know what to expect. She held the vibrator on different parts of my vagina, and it gave me a charge, but as She hit more sensitive areas, She told me "not to cum." It was hard at moments, but i thought of my grandparents, anything not to explode. When She finally gave me permission, it wasn't anything i wished it was, and didn't admit that to Her until after. i was tired and not fully spent, yet She didn't lay with me like She usually does; She left me to think about what had and hadn't transpired throughout the day. When She came back, i told Her what i knew i needed to do, and what i would start doing to change all my mistakes.

   After my Syr gave me time to cool down, i finally asked Her if She would hold me- even though i knew i wasn't wanting it anymore. She gave me the option of cumming in three minutes-if i thought i could do it. Otherwise, another 5 days of torture with no cumming. i groaned, not fully confident in my own abilities to make my mind focus on its task at hand. 


   Even though it was a trying day, i am grateful my Syr is keeping me focused, and helping to train my mind and body to better respond. i know what to work on, especially my communication. i woke up today in a happier, clearer state of mind, and i am going at today as though it is a total clean slate. i even remembered to pick raspberries from the back yard, an d chill them in the fridge. it feels good to be back on track...

 

  

The Start Of A Lovely Day

   Syr and i got in a particularly painful session with Her belt this morning. Syr made contact a little lower than usual, on my thigh rather than my ass. i screeched, (not meaning to,) but i still took another one. So that was a three strike session, i am hoping we can try the quick bursts of play every two hours like She suggested. i am ever hopeful. 

   my head feels so much clearer and freer since writing my blog yesterday. i have been realizing, more and more than any cold/dry spells in our play has been purely my doing. Because i have not been in a good space, or as i like to call it "my head up my ass." i am beginning to see that my Wife is actually who She always claimed to be: Supportive, trusting, calm, always believing in me. It has been me, for five years, that has refused to see that. The more i stop listening to the incessant voices of my past in my head, the freer i am, the truer to my self i am. 

   i weighed myself today, and i am higher than i have been in quite some time. Yet, i have more self, and body confidence than i have ever had before. So although i am concerned, i am trying to exercise a little, and eat right. We are meeting my cousin and a dear friend for lunch, so i hope i do all right.

Why?

   The last 24 hours have been dramatic- and sometimes not in a good way. Within our circle of friends a relationship broke up and i fear it may drag itself out in a very agonizing fashion.On a politically dramatic point, i have fallen in love with campaigning-for an up and coming politician who wants to take on the lack of rights and protection for all LGBT individuals in our community. She views this lack of protection and rights as a civil rights issue, and it made my heart sing to finally see someone want to take a stand for our community. i met this politician through a dear friend, and i hope i can do much to benefit this woman's campaign.

   Last night i had my own little crisis, and faced a few things i really didn't want to admit. Syr said something in passing to a couple we are getting to know who also live a lifestyle like ours. If i wasn't so sensitive, i would have just taken it with a grain of salt. But my insecurity dragged me down into the depths of my inadequacy. 

   Our friends husband has a high endurance and tolerance for heavy play. As we spoke more about it, my Syr said something that wasn't meant to devastate me, but i as i heard it, it did. Later on while getting ready for bed, i accused Syr of making me feel inadequate with that comment. As i have spoken before, i feel horrible since my body began responding in such a dramatically different way, and play hasn't been easy. Instead of screaming, yelling, and arguing, i allowed my self to cry in front of my Syr, and share with Her my aching anger at myself. Actually being vulnerable and trusting Her with my pain prevented an argument that would have only hurt Us both. We both have known since i developed coital migraines when we first met, my body and its tolerance haven't been the same. Even though it's still a sweet joke, (Syr apologized for being so good and braking me,) i realized there is nothing i physically can do to revert back. 

    For those of you who don't know what "Coital Migraines" are, one develops them with multitudes of orgasms, that build in intensity and volume. Your body cannot take the intensity and it shuts down with blinding headaches that appear just when you are just building to orgasm. Because the eventual result would be a massive stroke or heart attack, it's your bodies way of protecting you from dying. So, i'm sure you can imagine there have many pats on the back for Syr for a job way beyond well done. But it has affected me in many ways. For instance:

   i finally got my nipples pierced two years ago. And while they never once grew infected, my body became so sensitive to the piercings, that within two weeks i couldn't even be held, everything hurt so bad. 

  As only of late, have i been able to orgasm more than once. It has taken Us four years to get back to this point. And even though it isn't the 2 minutes of "rolling orgasms" as i called them, they are intense and beautiful.

   Since my migraines, i have not been able to withstand a good play session. Unfortunately, i have only had one or two since this incident. 

   Syr is patient, and very good to me. While i wailed about my feelings of worthlessness, my loving Wife explained we would just go slow; do a little bit consistently every day. Even if all i could handle was a couple flicks of the whip, or two paddlings, She didn't care how long it took. What She did stress was, it didn't matter to Her. She is so pleased that even through these trials, i am always willing, and always eager. i have only 1 play situation i would never accept. My Wife has said in Her Dominant position, She couldn't ask for a better partner than that. i really listened to my Syr, and like i have been doing lately, actually heard her. Even though i am disturbed by some of my regressing, i am able to catch myself and realize i am getting help, and i will work through my past to reach an even better play space. i agree with Syr also that maybe issues from my past are affecting me overall too. 

   So while we're not frozen in spot like we have been often in the past, i am ever hopeful that just with adjustment and changes we can find a perfect play, D/s relationship that works for us. And maybe if i really work on my wounded little heart, i can be Syr's owned wife, pet, and slave. 

   i feel so grateful for my Wife. i don't think there is anyone out there who would or could have been as patient, calm, kind, and gentle with me as She has been. i love Her so much, i feel like i am going to explode with joy sometimes. i only hope i continue to make Her proud of me. (gush)

Slap Upside The Head....

   Oh dear. i have been so off, it's killing me. Today was my day to hit an orgasm in 4 and a half minutes. However, i fell apart with a minute and thirty left. With tears in my eyes, and frustration raging through me, Syr reminded me this is still my own self-imposed idea, but i still felt as though i failed Syr, and my self. Syr offered me the option to reach orgasm with no time limit, and i reluctantly took it. Having had no orgasms or real release in over a week, i exploded in 1 minute, 15 seconds. Syr said out loud what i had figured out: All my difficulty was inside my head. As i struggled to not hate myself out loud, Syr gently said there are other ways of getting around these difficulties. But it just makes me further ashamed and upset with how my body responds, (or doesn't.)

   Syr and i talked at length yesterday about my disappointment with my body. i am not built to jump right in and take the play like a natural. In fact, my body fights it every friggin' step of the way. While trying to choke back tears, Syr (once again with Patience,) explained to me that even though my body is slow to accept and respond, it doesn't mean that we can't eventually create a body with endurance and stamina. It will just take longer, but it can be done. And even though that is hopeful, it makes me go crazy, feeling so ashamed i cannot be mailable to Syr's needs and wants quickly. Why did i have to get the vanilla body, and the Rocky Road mind? Arrrgh.

   As usual, Syr doesn't see it as a roadblock, She merely sees it time to create a better body for Her use. So in the meantime, everything else is suffering because of my neurosis. For example: Syr's and my morning routine. i always get up before Syr, and i am supposed to exercise, straighten up the house, work on my blog, and shower before waking Her. When She awakens, i am to have fresh ice water and Her medication waiting, Her glasses cleaned and once She is up, have Her clothes waiting out for Her. Then, once She is up, offer myself for a paddling, or spanking,make sure Her ice water is filled, and be on standby for anything She needs. So far, my batting average with any of that being consecutively done is an enormous zero. i don't even know what to say. Syr is so very patient, which just makes it all the worse. 

   i know i have been ragging on myself for days now, i just wish someone could slap the frustration and annoyance out of me. Perhaps i can work out a deal with Syr...prolly would hurt....might not be a bad thing!

The Day After Ugliness

   Last night was just awful. Syr and i had an enormous blow-up over things neither one of thought to bring to the forefront earlier in the day. i am still frustrated over my lack of total cognitive skills, so i could better speak my point. But once again, at the height of anger, resentment and my tears, Syr drew up from within Her self and told me She loved me. i felt awful. Syr doesn't ever like to go to bed mad, and i grew up with the philosophy too. But when angry, i never follow it. i sullenly told Her i loved Her too, but as She walked to bed, i sat there even more frustrated, and harder on myself. Within minutes i ended up in bed, and it took forever to fall asleep. 

   i was frustratedly playing the whole scenario over in my head. Syr lost it mid-argument when She reminded me She just had surgery, and when it was my surgery She didn't say a word about my bitchiness. i felt so hurt and angry! i was doing my best! Unfortunately, i shut down, and She knew it. As a laid in bed, i finally found the words i wished i could have found earlier: That She was never like this at any other time, so it was hard not to take it personally. And then i began to silently chastise myself for not just brushing it off. i raged at myself for not understanding more. i hated myself for not pushing my needs to the fore front, and realizing my Wife was still suffering physical trauma. Even as i write now, it's still very hard not to be angry at myself.

   As i kept myself in the forefront, i also held foolish resentments about my "training." Why in the hell did i think it was okay to hold resentments about the absence of fooling around when all She could do was try to manage the pain and sleep? i really need to stop now. i am starting on myself again.

   i was woken up by the discharge nurse's follow up phone call from the hospital. When i found out who she was, i decided to take the call, and not to wake Syr. i am not sure Syr could have been too coherent. That was enough to wake me up, so i could go make the rest of Her appointments. As much as i didn't want to, i also started on the dishes, and finishing up the laundry. i felt i had royally messed up, and i wanted to set it right.

   i crawled into bed with Syr around 10:30 this morning because i just wanted to watch Her sleep. She opened one eye, and called me by my little pet name. It just filled me with joy, and i was happy. i sat and read my Laura Antoniou book "The Slave" which is probably NOT the best choice while in training for orgasms on demand. But Syr is amused i still keep reading it. By 11:30 Syr started in on some especially vicious nipple torture, and by noon, i was as usual, ready to explode. When She slipped Her hand under the covers, my body tensed, and i was so charged, my stomach ached. That used to only happen if Syr had been continuously touching me while we were having sex. But all Syr did was torture my aching little vagina more, and now i feel kinda feral. But i have to admit, this high amount of charging really helps me stay hyper-focused, and ready to claim the prize; the next step. If tomorrow i can orgasm in under 4 minutes, then we bring it down to 3 minutes. Then 2, then 1, then 30 seconds. If i can orgasm in 30 seconds, Syr pretty much will be able to shake my foundation any time She chooses. And that thought really gets me going. But, lately, what else is new?

Through The Long Night WIth You

   Well, i made it through the long night. Shortly after writing my late-night blog, i was sitting here catching up on my other blog reading, when Syr came out wondering what i was doing. i replied and She asked me to come back to bed, since She cannot sleep without me there. She asked why i was still up, and i told Her respectfully i had sexual tension driving me through the roof. She laughed and gave a sarcastic "awww, too bad!" comment. And that was all right. i begged Her to do something to me before bed, so She twisted a nipple. i am not sure why i begged for that, since it only incited a larger riot within me. But i must have been ready to sleep and not known it, and shortly there after, i was gone.


   We'll be getting ready for church soon; we belong to a church that is all inclusive. And by saying that i mean my pastor does not exclude anyone. Of any faith, any sexual orientation, and way of thinking. We haven't been able to get to church for a few weeks, so i am glad we can go. Friends are picking us up so Syr doesn't have to drive on pain meds. But what i am most excited about, is later on today.

   Syr said that possibly She would be in the mood for a dirty, rollicking good time. i try not to be too excited, as She is only 48 hours out of surgery. But anything She can give me is so worth it, and i am so in need. i know. Hungry, selfish little submissive. But i think it's my job to be in constant need. Most submissives are regularly in need for attention, praise, love, sex, and an overwhelming urge to prove to their Dominant/Master/Mistresses that they are indispensable, useful, and that by God, we love You so very much, and cannot LIVE without You!

   Well, it is after church, and my Syr is out like a light. We both got a little snarky during church, but i made a peace offering, and it was well received with Syr. She is in pain, and i need to be mindful of that; especially when She is short and bitchy. Syr has never been one to mindlessly complain. But the discomfort oozes out other ways. i am trying so hard to keep my attitude in check, and realize She needs to vent, and i shouldn't be taking offense. i feel like i haven't done a good enough job in the last few days, but every time i begin again, it is all good. i hope my dear Wife has a better day relaxing and just catching up on rest. i love Her so very much, and i just want Her to feel better soon.

   i plan on finishing up the laundry, getting the dishes done, and looking around for anything else out of place. Syr may be out of commission, but i am not. Yesterday She thanked me for all i do, and keeping the house perfect. i know She was under the influence of medication, and a bit needy, but my heart swelled with pride and honor that She felt comfortable in Her own home. So with that in mind, i need to get going, and push my energy into my house.

Can't Sleep, and There's A Long Night Ahead

   It's 11:25PM. And i cannot sleep. Just the little Syr has done to me (and strangely, not done) in the last few days, has me beyond able to think straight, and physically obsessed with relieving the sexual pressure cooker between my legs. i am very happy to report, though, i haven't even touched myself. Well, that is sort of a lie. i began reading "The Marketplace" series again, and i am up to Book 2, the journey of Robin into her slave life. Such a powerful difference reading it now that i have such a strenuous desire to serve. The only reason i touched myself was to check and see if i was as wet and slick as i thought i was. i was. Which means a few things: 1- When one can connect with a slave's journey, even a fictious one, one actually feels it to their core, 2-i feel joy knowing i am ready to begin this journey in earnest because i haven't even tried to sneak in a quick rub out, and 3-my Syr has already had a massive impact on how i view my life, and Her rights over me. i actually feel more content in the facts i have no rights over my body, only what She allows me. That is immense maturity and growth for me, for to touch myself without Her explicit permission, would feel like i am cheating and lying to Her, and that this whole journey of finding my little slave self was just a facade for what? To look hardcore? To impress people with my off-center priorities? No, even though i am aching, my stomach hurting so bad i need relief, i know when i wake up in the morning, i will feel strong, proud of myself, and most importantly, i will have kept my word and belief in my Dominant to do with me as She wants. And i hope in turn i make Her proud, and happy to see me obey. 
   i realized tonight, as i watched her sleep, i so wanted to be Owned by Her in any fashion She sees fit. The desire grows, more and more with every waking moment. i have quickly gone from hoping i can make it successfully through a three month contract, to coming to a place of total peace, and willingly being able to surrender myself to my Wife as Her slave, Her pet, Her sex toy, Her whipping post, Her other half of Her heart. i have never been more devoted to a human being in all my life, and every talk, every gesture of love between us makes me yearn for another step. i hope this year brings about great changes in me; mentally, physically, emotionally, and most importantly, spiritually. 

   i won't lie; my Wife had come from a background where She had experienced just about anything and everything one could imagine. i often felt cheated because we would have no real firsts together. i could understand her wanting to stress that it was all new because She was experiencing them with me, but i still felt square as a pool table and twice as green. Oh, don't forget angry and insecure. But i felt so happy and blessed that We are in a full time Dominant/submissive relationship, a place She had never been before with anyone. Also the fact We may come to an eventual Owner/slave contract, makes me jump with pure joy that She has never been there, either. When God gives me a boost, She gives me a boost!

   i still don't feel any tireder, but i do feel a little less full of rantings and ramblings and manic mushy devotion. i think what is really keeping me up, is hope, happiness, excitement, and absolute bliss.

What is going with us?

   Syr, as you all know, left the hospital yesterday after surgery. But She has had a lengthy bunch of trips to emergency in between. Then, my cousin ended up in ER because of a horrible fall, and has bone bruising and hematomas. Another couple we're friends with have also had their share of frightening health experiences at the ER. i wish our little wolf pack, (as i call us,) would just stay healthy for an extended period of time. It is difficult and scary when you know people you love are suffering. It is also difficult to stay peaceable when i know someone we thought were friends took 90% of the pain medication Syr really needs for Her surgery recovery. It is hard to be accepting when my Wife suffers. But i glumly try, since She accepts the situation so easily. Grrr! 

   i haven't really been able to perform outside household duties for Syr. But i am still slacking in the kitchen. i just cannot get myself to start cleaning up. i am not sure why. 

   By opening my big mouth, i asked Syr if i would ever have writing exercises to strengthen my submissive self. Syr smiled, and said She had actually been thinking about that. But my writing exercises would be much different. Oh dear, i thought to myself. Syr explained i would be writing creative stories. Stories?!? i asked. Why yes, She said. She has been upset with me for not keeping up on my creative writing skills. In fact, truth be told i don't think i have written anything on that plane for months. So, i am going to start writing novellas, which can be upwards of 200 pages. She said that is a good round number to start with. Gulp.  To add a creative chink for me, Syr said i am to write a Science-Fiction story. 
Science-Fiction? Are You kidding me? Come ON!! i haven't READ a Science-Fiction novel in my LIFE. And now i have to WRITE ONE??? This thought and truly more bratty stuff went through my head at lightning quick speed. But, like a trooper, i started. i'm not sure i like it, even after three days, but i am going to stick with it, and see where it goes.

   On a naked note, (heh heh) Syr has not actually been able to "torture" me sexually much, but just the little we did, and then me attempting to make it to a 4 minute orgasm, (FAIL) has been really powerful. When i think about it, i am actually more charged than i thought most of the time. Syr had wanted to get my body to react to certain tones, or looks, or voice commands, and that is already happening. What's better, even if i think of Syr, sometimes i am charged super quick. Why do i torture myself? i'm a masochist!! And it can be just as delightful as it is a pain in the arse sometimes. (sigh)  

Relief...And The Comedown

   Syr was discharged from the hospital this morning about 11:45. i have never seen Her get dressed so quickly! She was able to perform all the biological necessities, so out She went. i was extremely nervous that the nurses on the floor wouldn't let me sleep next to Her if She was in a semi-private room. Right before Her surgery, i chatted nervously about it. Syr looked me straight in the eye and said quietly, "Don't worry. You will be able to stay with Me. It will all be okay." She said it with such conviction and calmness, all i could do was kiss Her hand and nuzzle it. i felt completely protected and taken care of-whilst She was ready to go into surgery. Close friends sat with us before and after Her surgery. It feels so comforting to have such wonderful friends. As they say, friends are the family you choose. And we indeed are very lucky for our family.

    We stopped and bought subs from Syr's favorite shop, and We headed home. i was pleased to see Her eat only half of it, instead of devouring it in one sitting. She is asleep, and has been for a little over an hour. The house is nice and cool, and i really have no desire to start straightening up and doing laundry. i would rather just sit here, enjoying my Vitamin Water Zero, and chillaxing with our cat. But, i know, what would make my Wife happy to wake up to. So a little more lounging, and off i clean. i am so grateful She is well and on Her way to recovery. God is good, and faith is even better. xx

Nervous Day

   Syr goes in for gall bladder surgery today at 3PM. We have to be at the hospital by 12 noon. Syr is a bit antsy, which is to be expected; this is Her first serious surgery. i am antsy because it's surgery, period. i have gathered enough things to occupy me for a week, but really i will be watching Her like a mother hawk after She is in recovery. i know when She asks to watch SciFi on the cable TV, all will be well. i even have sandwiches and homemade banana bread for when i get hungry. 

   There is not much to say right now; i caught Syr from sipping ice water when i re-read Her surgery requirements, realizing She couldn't even have ice at this point. So, in support of Her suffering, i too will have nothing to drink or eat. i am now just going to sit with God, and pray for my Syr/Wife. i know all will be well, but the unknown is the hardest part.

Tomorrow is unsure...

   Syr got a little emotional tonight, and thanked me for all i do. She also said She loved me. It was nice to hear, since i don't hear it much. She is due for surgery tomorrow at three, and i think Her nervousness is getting to Her. i wish She would say more nice things more often; She said She would make a point to. We're going to hunker down early tonight, and just read and cuddle in bed. i'm not sure i will sleep well tonight; i'm pretty sure Syr won't either. i feel secure in knowing: 1. She passed all the blood work and chest x-rays with flying colors. She is good to go. 2. Her surgeon is head of the department at the hospital. 3. Compared to many surgeries, Her's is a quick procedure, (2 and half hours at most,) and 2 weeks is usually only needed for recovery. 4. We know this will do nothing but bring Her a better quality of life. i already have the kitchen and living room in order for the night, so now there is nothing to do, but join my Wife in bed. Sweet dreams...

Another Party Day!

   Today Syr and i are having a BBQ party. But it's kind of skewered. And once again, my irritation is on the razor's edge. The party was originally being held for someone who demanded her party be at our house because we have more space. Yet this is someone we don't consider a friend since she never makes time for us, or even follows up on phone calls. We like her partner a lot though. i feel she is stuck in the middle. That is why Syr and i decided to throw the party. This arrogant woman texts yesterday that she is no longer coming to the party, but we can still have one. Why thank you, so much for the permission! i know that's rude, but some people! So Syr and i instead decided to invite a couple people we have really wanted to get to know better for quite some time. And i am excited. These two women are very laid back, whip-smart, and funny as hell. i think it will be a terrific party.

   my edge, however, has not been terrific. i have been irritated, and snapping at Syr all morning, just because She mauls me, bites me, or just has fun with me. i have had such attitude for two days now, but unlike yesterday, i have been very ambitious with the preparations for tonight. i feel awful, and i know i need to talk to Syr. Whereas my service is perfect, my affection, and attitude suck. i need some guidance. Syr made a tasty, oh-so-nutritious meal of stuffing for lunch, and so i am going to eat and discuss...

Starting Today...

   Starting today, Syr will begin my training for orgasms on demand. i'm not sure how else to put it, except i did not succeed with an orgasm in 4 minutes or less. Now, i have to wait 5 days to try again. Syr has let me know anytime i think i can brake the 4 minute mark, i can let her know and try to go at it. But so far i think i will try to see how long i can go before i go insane. In the meantime, She will be incorporating lots of sexual tension, frustration and trauma, and i am very, very excited! i just want to please Syr. In the meantime, i am fighting insecurity, and imaginary ostracising from friends. Syr has informed me what i feel inside my head is NOT reality. So, in between being sexually played with, i am still trying to hold up my little porn star self, and not regress to age 12. What a combination to work with....

First Meetup With Agitation....

   Yesterday, i had nothing but agitation with Syr. It started out as it usually does, a mis-communication that got Her annoyed, and me struggling to fight a pissy mood all day. Everything Syr said or did, just rubbed me the absolute wrong way. By the time we went to bed, i had great difficulty using my respectful tone and voice. They were no where to be found. i warned Syr i was having difficulty, and used that as my excuse to go all snotty off on Her. i was feeling quite bad, but i just couldn't bring myself out of it to apologize and go back into submissive mode. i just didn't give a crap, and that part really bothered me. This being said, i know this is an area i need to work on with Syr's help. i'm not sure how to go about it, but i need some sort of guidance. 

   i woke up in a calmer state of mind, but feeling like an absolute failure. As though i finally tainted my almost perfect submission with old wifely attitude. Like i must do as i struggle with my food addictions, i must be gentle with myself. And most anybody will tell you, that is difficult. But i know Syr is with me for several reasons. Most of all being She loves me with all Her heart, and She is in this marriage till death do us part. Keeping that in mind helps me to stay focused. 


   Yesterday i made bread with a dear friend, one whom i look up to, and love like "another mother." I'm not quite sure how she would feel about the "other mother" part, but she and her wife mean the world to me. I had never made bread, and was quite apprehensive about it; especially since Syr said there will be no bread makers in the house, only a wife to make homemade bread. She doesn't like it any other way. So, after gathering up our supplies, my friend and i went to work, mixing ingredients and preparing our work.


   i have to say i really enjoyed kneading the dough. i liked the relaxing, hands on preparation of using my hands to prepare something that Syr would enjoy, and all my friends. i was surprised when i caught myself in time and re-read the directions carefully again, noting to slice the bread, place it in bread pans, and let it rise another 35 minutes, instead of just shoving it in the oven. Whew! Good call for me! i usually miss steps all together because my little mind races. But after three hours, came out the most beautiful little loafs of bread ever. i was so proud! 


   Another friend had stopped by, and we also called Syr's and my cousin and best friend to come over as well. There was not much room in our little living room, but we always manage to find space and enjoy each other's company. 


   i was rather proud of myself. i fed just about everyone yesterday on my favorite recipe to make-sausage, onion, beans, corn peas, and rice. It came out perfect, and i always feel like such a good little housewife being able to give to those i love. i especially like that Syr is pleased and enjoys we can treat our friends. i always was impressed with my grandmother growing up. She cooked non-stop for huge family gatherings every week, without a complaint. As an adult, i found she was rather tired the last 20 years of it, and was not happy someone else didn't take over. i felt a pang of guilt, since i was no where near learning how to be a domestic woman in my teens and 20's. Didn't want to at all. But being with Syr has helped me find a little homemaker inside of me i never knew was there before. And she is blooming beyond even my expectations!

   i have one habit (among so many) i wish i could brake. i wish Syr could just read this and approach me about it, But that's not how this system works. (sigh) i have a habit, one that unfortunately stuck from early childhood on, and it is the need to have constant approval. Whether i have cleaned the house, wondering if the meal is good, or if my blog is acceptable, i need a verbal "atta girl." It is annoying for me, let alone Syr, and i really want to brake it. i already know if Syr wasn't happy with something i did, She would tell me. Simple as that. Yet i never feel confident in my work, and i always feel something is wrong. i understand that simply comes from my upbringing, and i have to get my butt to my therapy appointments to start straightening even more out.   


   i asked Syr yesterday if She could assist me as i try to stop biting my nails, picking at them, or picking at my head. All nervous habits i can't seem to kick. i asked Her if She would please crop me anytime She saw it going on. Well, this amused smile spread across Syr's face and She retorted with Her punishment instead; a tickling anytime She sees me. Well, as much as it made me (gulp!) i had to smile too. my Syr knows exactly what will get me to the core, and tickling (ick) is it. i like pain. Sometimes, i love pain. But tickling? Oh my God, that drives me insane. i'm not sure what's worse. Her just tickling me, or the tickling she incorporates with pain too. Like on my thighs, jeez! i want to go through the roof! So i am doing my best not to pick. Knowing Syr, She will check. What am in saying? Of course She'll check!

   i am trying not to think about my family at all. i am not the prodigal daughter, and there will never be a fatted anything for me. But i am still trying to work through the fact non one told me my cousin was up from Virginia. No one. Also, my uncle and cousin are in from Kansas, and i am sure there will be no time for me, either. Just as well.my cousin and mom are closer than my mom and i have been in years. So, probably not seeing will make for a happier submissive. A gentler submissive. A less neurotic, crazed, raged out submissive who would really rather just let familial dogs sleep.

There's Been Some Changes....

   I just went through my previous blogs and i was amazed at myself. The cockiness! The sarcasm! Although a huge front for the inadequacies i felt, no wonder i couldn't work well on my self- let alone my submissive self! it's not quite close to a year later, but the world of difference in my mindset and my attitude are incredible. 

   Moving was the first good move for Syr and i. A sweet little house, closer to all our friends and church, and most importantly, a fresh start. This move brought an onslaught of devastating financial situations, but for the first time i was able to start thinking positive; focusing on total gratitude. By doing that, i was finally able to closer to God. i'm not quite sure who God is yet for me. i sometimes see Her as a Eternal Mother who protects me, and other times i see God as a Father who guides me and keeps me safe as well. i belong to a church that is incredibly inclusive. Our pastor welcomes anyone of any faith, even Wiccan and Satanic sisters and brothers. He says Jesus did not deny anyone shelter or love or acceptance, and nor should we. 

   That being said, i am at a place with my God where i finally feel safe to explore how my Heavenly parent/guide/friend looks and feels to me. i am learning more about Wiccan beliefs to see what i can weave into my new, relationship with God.

   Because of the major attitude change and faith, magnanimous personality shifts have happened within this little self. It all started around the middle of May. Syr mentioned a dream She had that i finally became Her slave. She has had this dream before, but i always laughed, scoffed, said something defensively or accostive. But this particular morning something clicked inside me. Usually when Syr has reoccurring dreams, they come true. This time, there was no rudeness or negative emotion. i was ready for this. For several days afterward, i talked in earnest to Syr about setting up a game plan for action. Syr was also receptive, but said it would be best to pace myself. Except for the weeks before this, where i was earnestly trying more servitude, i really did not have a consistent pattern. But as always, She told me this is my journey, and we take it wherever i want it to go. That sometimes frustrates me, but i've realized that if Syr were calling the shots now, we might find an event, or situation that i fully resent Her demands for. With my new eyes, i realize Syr has been right all along.


   Within the many hours She devoted to me and my incessant questions, She gave me a possible goal date for our first Owner/Slave contract: June 1, 2011. While i was on vacation, Syr and i would try out a summer contract before i started school. And, if said contract worked well, we would try a 6 month contract. In my little heart, i felt why couldn't we just jump right into a life-long agreement after that? Syr informed me that there would be a whole different set of challenges and issues for me to deal with during the school year. Another 6 months would give a different perspective from the lazy relaxing days of summer where i had no demands of homework. Once again, i knew my Syr was right, and wise in Her thinking. i have such a manic little mind. i always want to go, Go, GO! But thankfully Syr is very laid back and relaxed. She forcibly makes me calm down and see life from a different angle; one i would never have chosen at any other time.


   So, for the last three weeks, i have been living in chosen servitude. From the beginning i have chosen just how submissive i will be. And usually i start to add more. 

   i began with house service. Syr has insisted i work on myself; especially during the summer with such a free schedule. She really would rather i didn't work, and for that, i am very grateful. With that in mind, i am able to throw myself into my duties with gusto. i like a clean house to begin with. Syr does as well. So the house has been spotless, dishes always done, laundry always caught up with. When i find myself wanting to just slack off, just thinking what my Syr would prefer puts me in the mindset to do what needs to be done. 


   That thinking has been extremely freeing. my own resentments from my past had held me back from letting go, and serving my Syr. Syr always seemed to be speaking a foreign language when explaining that the healthier i became, the free er i would be to serve and be submissive. That no one can be an effective submissive in play or otherwise, if they are carrying around their negative past. Oh the screaming and pouting that would ensue! i feel so bad for the way i treated my Syr for the first four years of our relationship. But i am very grateful She never turned Her back on me. She said She said always knew i would start to figure out life, just to be patient and support me. i am beyond grateful for my Syr, and i cannot imagine finding such a happy spot with anyone else.


Syr has also been more than happy to start conditioning my back again for daily whippings. Whippings are my favorite. i'm not sure why, but it brings comfort. Some days i can say, "let's try for 10 or 15 strokes." Other days, i can barely stand 3 strikes. No matter what, my Syr is most pleased i am eager to return to it. Knowing She is happy, makes me want to push myself more. If i indeed want to find my "slave self," i realize i need to set aside my issues and wants. Because a year from now, it will no longer be a choice.

   my language and how i present myself have the biggest amazement's to me yet. In the past, i was always pulling classic "bottoming from the top" attitudes. Lately, i do my best to think before i say, and to catch myself when i am trying to manipulate the situation. 

   When i first began to surrender little things, i asked Syr if She would start picking my clothes. i wanted to see how far i could surrender to Her care. i often became frustrated when Syr would pick the same colored shirts or bottoms over and over. i finally caught myself when i realized i was straight out asking for what i wanted- just having her acceptance to do so. Syr asked me why She was picking out my clothes if i was just going to "ask" Her permission to wear things. Point was gotten, and i simply ask Her what i need to wear. 

   i found with play even i had to stop, and think how i could express something without sounding manipulative. Now that i know Syr's choices need to come first, i am having an easier time of expressing need, wants, and possible limitations i am feeling.

   Most excitingly, i have found a perfect name for my Wife. i have had many issues with most titles She has suggested over the last few years. i felt awkward with them in my mouth. But, after reading so many slave/submissive blogs, i knew i found the perfect title: Syr. my Wife is very butch, i would say it is even safer to call Her a Dyke. And Mistress and Madame just didn't seem to fit who my Wife is at Her essence. For me, Syr fit the bill. 

   It was hard to call Her by Her title at first. And often times, i still have to gear up. Sometimes if feels like embarrassment, sometimes it feels awkward, perhaps i will figure out eventually why. But the more i use it, the easier it gets. And i think both of us are happy with that.

   So, a completely different pet stands before you. Oh, i am definitely still stubborn, but much more aware, open and eager. i ready to find my little slave self.