The Day After Ugliness

   Last night was just awful. Syr and i had an enormous blow-up over things neither one of thought to bring to the forefront earlier in the day. i am still frustrated over my lack of total cognitive skills, so i could better speak my point. But once again, at the height of anger, resentment and my tears, Syr drew up from within Her self and told me She loved me. i felt awful. Syr doesn't ever like to go to bed mad, and i grew up with the philosophy too. But when angry, i never follow it. i sullenly told Her i loved Her too, but as She walked to bed, i sat there even more frustrated, and harder on myself. Within minutes i ended up in bed, and it took forever to fall asleep. 

   i was frustratedly playing the whole scenario over in my head. Syr lost it mid-argument when She reminded me She just had surgery, and when it was my surgery She didn't say a word about my bitchiness. i felt so hurt and angry! i was doing my best! Unfortunately, i shut down, and She knew it. As a laid in bed, i finally found the words i wished i could have found earlier: That She was never like this at any other time, so it was hard not to take it personally. And then i began to silently chastise myself for not just brushing it off. i raged at myself for not understanding more. i hated myself for not pushing my needs to the fore front, and realizing my Wife was still suffering physical trauma. Even as i write now, it's still very hard not to be angry at myself.

   As i kept myself in the forefront, i also held foolish resentments about my "training." Why in the hell did i think it was okay to hold resentments about the absence of fooling around when all She could do was try to manage the pain and sleep? i really need to stop now. i am starting on myself again.

   i was woken up by the discharge nurse's follow up phone call from the hospital. When i found out who she was, i decided to take the call, and not to wake Syr. i am not sure Syr could have been too coherent. That was enough to wake me up, so i could go make the rest of Her appointments. As much as i didn't want to, i also started on the dishes, and finishing up the laundry. i felt i had royally messed up, and i wanted to set it right.

   i crawled into bed with Syr around 10:30 this morning because i just wanted to watch Her sleep. She opened one eye, and called me by my little pet name. It just filled me with joy, and i was happy. i sat and read my Laura Antoniou book "The Slave" which is probably NOT the best choice while in training for orgasms on demand. But Syr is amused i still keep reading it. By 11:30 Syr started in on some especially vicious nipple torture, and by noon, i was as usual, ready to explode. When She slipped Her hand under the covers, my body tensed, and i was so charged, my stomach ached. That used to only happen if Syr had been continuously touching me while we were having sex. But all Syr did was torture my aching little vagina more, and now i feel kinda feral. But i have to admit, this high amount of charging really helps me stay hyper-focused, and ready to claim the prize; the next step. If tomorrow i can orgasm in under 4 minutes, then we bring it down to 3 minutes. Then 2, then 1, then 30 seconds. If i can orgasm in 30 seconds, Syr pretty much will be able to shake my foundation any time She chooses. And that thought really gets me going. But, lately, what else is new?