First Meetup With Agitation....

   Yesterday, i had nothing but agitation with Syr. It started out as it usually does, a mis-communication that got Her annoyed, and me struggling to fight a pissy mood all day. Everything Syr said or did, just rubbed me the absolute wrong way. By the time we went to bed, i had great difficulty using my respectful tone and voice. They were no where to be found. i warned Syr i was having difficulty, and used that as my excuse to go all snotty off on Her. i was feeling quite bad, but i just couldn't bring myself out of it to apologize and go back into submissive mode. i just didn't give a crap, and that part really bothered me. This being said, i know this is an area i need to work on with Syr's help. i'm not sure how to go about it, but i need some sort of guidance. 

   i woke up in a calmer state of mind, but feeling like an absolute failure. As though i finally tainted my almost perfect submission with old wifely attitude. Like i must do as i struggle with my food addictions, i must be gentle with myself. And most anybody will tell you, that is difficult. But i know Syr is with me for several reasons. Most of all being She loves me with all Her heart, and She is in this marriage till death do us part. Keeping that in mind helps me to stay focused. 


   Yesterday i made bread with a dear friend, one whom i look up to, and love like "another mother." I'm not quite sure how she would feel about the "other mother" part, but she and her wife mean the world to me. I had never made bread, and was quite apprehensive about it; especially since Syr said there will be no bread makers in the house, only a wife to make homemade bread. She doesn't like it any other way. So, after gathering up our supplies, my friend and i went to work, mixing ingredients and preparing our work.


   i have to say i really enjoyed kneading the dough. i liked the relaxing, hands on preparation of using my hands to prepare something that Syr would enjoy, and all my friends. i was surprised when i caught myself in time and re-read the directions carefully again, noting to slice the bread, place it in bread pans, and let it rise another 35 minutes, instead of just shoving it in the oven. Whew! Good call for me! i usually miss steps all together because my little mind races. But after three hours, came out the most beautiful little loafs of bread ever. i was so proud! 


   Another friend had stopped by, and we also called Syr's and my cousin and best friend to come over as well. There was not much room in our little living room, but we always manage to find space and enjoy each other's company. 


   i was rather proud of myself. i fed just about everyone yesterday on my favorite recipe to make-sausage, onion, beans, corn peas, and rice. It came out perfect, and i always feel like such a good little housewife being able to give to those i love. i especially like that Syr is pleased and enjoys we can treat our friends. i always was impressed with my grandmother growing up. She cooked non-stop for huge family gatherings every week, without a complaint. As an adult, i found she was rather tired the last 20 years of it, and was not happy someone else didn't take over. i felt a pang of guilt, since i was no where near learning how to be a domestic woman in my teens and 20's. Didn't want to at all. But being with Syr has helped me find a little homemaker inside of me i never knew was there before. And she is blooming beyond even my expectations!

   i have one habit (among so many) i wish i could brake. i wish Syr could just read this and approach me about it, But that's not how this system works. (sigh) i have a habit, one that unfortunately stuck from early childhood on, and it is the need to have constant approval. Whether i have cleaned the house, wondering if the meal is good, or if my blog is acceptable, i need a verbal "atta girl." It is annoying for me, let alone Syr, and i really want to brake it. i already know if Syr wasn't happy with something i did, She would tell me. Simple as that. Yet i never feel confident in my work, and i always feel something is wrong. i understand that simply comes from my upbringing, and i have to get my butt to my therapy appointments to start straightening even more out.   


   i asked Syr yesterday if She could assist me as i try to stop biting my nails, picking at them, or picking at my head. All nervous habits i can't seem to kick. i asked Her if She would please crop me anytime She saw it going on. Well, this amused smile spread across Syr's face and She retorted with Her punishment instead; a tickling anytime She sees me. Well, as much as it made me (gulp!) i had to smile too. my Syr knows exactly what will get me to the core, and tickling (ick) is it. i like pain. Sometimes, i love pain. But tickling? Oh my God, that drives me insane. i'm not sure what's worse. Her just tickling me, or the tickling she incorporates with pain too. Like on my thighs, jeez! i want to go through the roof! So i am doing my best not to pick. Knowing Syr, She will check. What am in saying? Of course She'll check!

   i am trying not to think about my family at all. i am not the prodigal daughter, and there will never be a fatted anything for me. But i am still trying to work through the fact non one told me my cousin was up from Virginia. No one. Also, my uncle and cousin are in from Kansas, and i am sure there will be no time for me, either. Just as well.my cousin and mom are closer than my mom and i have been in years. So, probably not seeing will make for a happier submissive. A gentler submissive. A less neurotic, crazed, raged out submissive who would really rather just let familial dogs sleep.