There's Been Some Changes....

   I just went through my previous blogs and i was amazed at myself. The cockiness! The sarcasm! Although a huge front for the inadequacies i felt, no wonder i couldn't work well on my self- let alone my submissive self! it's not quite close to a year later, but the world of difference in my mindset and my attitude are incredible. 

   Moving was the first good move for Syr and i. A sweet little house, closer to all our friends and church, and most importantly, a fresh start. This move brought an onslaught of devastating financial situations, but for the first time i was able to start thinking positive; focusing on total gratitude. By doing that, i was finally able to closer to God. i'm not quite sure who God is yet for me. i sometimes see Her as a Eternal Mother who protects me, and other times i see God as a Father who guides me and keeps me safe as well. i belong to a church that is incredibly inclusive. Our pastor welcomes anyone of any faith, even Wiccan and Satanic sisters and brothers. He says Jesus did not deny anyone shelter or love or acceptance, and nor should we. 

   That being said, i am at a place with my God where i finally feel safe to explore how my Heavenly parent/guide/friend looks and feels to me. i am learning more about Wiccan beliefs to see what i can weave into my new, relationship with God.

   Because of the major attitude change and faith, magnanimous personality shifts have happened within this little self. It all started around the middle of May. Syr mentioned a dream She had that i finally became Her slave. She has had this dream before, but i always laughed, scoffed, said something defensively or accostive. But this particular morning something clicked inside me. Usually when Syr has reoccurring dreams, they come true. This time, there was no rudeness or negative emotion. i was ready for this. For several days afterward, i talked in earnest to Syr about setting up a game plan for action. Syr was also receptive, but said it would be best to pace myself. Except for the weeks before this, where i was earnestly trying more servitude, i really did not have a consistent pattern. But as always, She told me this is my journey, and we take it wherever i want it to go. That sometimes frustrates me, but i've realized that if Syr were calling the shots now, we might find an event, or situation that i fully resent Her demands for. With my new eyes, i realize Syr has been right all along.


   Within the many hours She devoted to me and my incessant questions, She gave me a possible goal date for our first Owner/Slave contract: June 1, 2011. While i was on vacation, Syr and i would try out a summer contract before i started school. And, if said contract worked well, we would try a 6 month contract. In my little heart, i felt why couldn't we just jump right into a life-long agreement after that? Syr informed me that there would be a whole different set of challenges and issues for me to deal with during the school year. Another 6 months would give a different perspective from the lazy relaxing days of summer where i had no demands of homework. Once again, i knew my Syr was right, and wise in Her thinking. i have such a manic little mind. i always want to go, Go, GO! But thankfully Syr is very laid back and relaxed. She forcibly makes me calm down and see life from a different angle; one i would never have chosen at any other time.


   So, for the last three weeks, i have been living in chosen servitude. From the beginning i have chosen just how submissive i will be. And usually i start to add more. 

   i began with house service. Syr has insisted i work on myself; especially during the summer with such a free schedule. She really would rather i didn't work, and for that, i am very grateful. With that in mind, i am able to throw myself into my duties with gusto. i like a clean house to begin with. Syr does as well. So the house has been spotless, dishes always done, laundry always caught up with. When i find myself wanting to just slack off, just thinking what my Syr would prefer puts me in the mindset to do what needs to be done. 


   That thinking has been extremely freeing. my own resentments from my past had held me back from letting go, and serving my Syr. Syr always seemed to be speaking a foreign language when explaining that the healthier i became, the free er i would be to serve and be submissive. That no one can be an effective submissive in play or otherwise, if they are carrying around their negative past. Oh the screaming and pouting that would ensue! i feel so bad for the way i treated my Syr for the first four years of our relationship. But i am very grateful She never turned Her back on me. She said She said always knew i would start to figure out life, just to be patient and support me. i am beyond grateful for my Syr, and i cannot imagine finding such a happy spot with anyone else.


Syr has also been more than happy to start conditioning my back again for daily whippings. Whippings are my favorite. i'm not sure why, but it brings comfort. Some days i can say, "let's try for 10 or 15 strokes." Other days, i can barely stand 3 strikes. No matter what, my Syr is most pleased i am eager to return to it. Knowing She is happy, makes me want to push myself more. If i indeed want to find my "slave self," i realize i need to set aside my issues and wants. Because a year from now, it will no longer be a choice.

   my language and how i present myself have the biggest amazement's to me yet. In the past, i was always pulling classic "bottoming from the top" attitudes. Lately, i do my best to think before i say, and to catch myself when i am trying to manipulate the situation. 

   When i first began to surrender little things, i asked Syr if She would start picking my clothes. i wanted to see how far i could surrender to Her care. i often became frustrated when Syr would pick the same colored shirts or bottoms over and over. i finally caught myself when i realized i was straight out asking for what i wanted- just having her acceptance to do so. Syr asked me why She was picking out my clothes if i was just going to "ask" Her permission to wear things. Point was gotten, and i simply ask Her what i need to wear. 

   i found with play even i had to stop, and think how i could express something without sounding manipulative. Now that i know Syr's choices need to come first, i am having an easier time of expressing need, wants, and possible limitations i am feeling.

   Most excitingly, i have found a perfect name for my Wife. i have had many issues with most titles She has suggested over the last few years. i felt awkward with them in my mouth. But, after reading so many slave/submissive blogs, i knew i found the perfect title: Syr. my Wife is very butch, i would say it is even safer to call Her a Dyke. And Mistress and Madame just didn't seem to fit who my Wife is at Her essence. For me, Syr fit the bill. 

   It was hard to call Her by Her title at first. And often times, i still have to gear up. Sometimes if feels like embarrassment, sometimes it feels awkward, perhaps i will figure out eventually why. But the more i use it, the easier it gets. And i think both of us are happy with that.

   So, a completely different pet stands before you. Oh, i am definitely still stubborn, but much more aware, open and eager. i ready to find my little slave self.