Slap Upside The Head....

   Oh dear. i have been so off, it's killing me. Today was my day to hit an orgasm in 4 and a half minutes. However, i fell apart with a minute and thirty left. With tears in my eyes, and frustration raging through me, Syr reminded me this is still my own self-imposed idea, but i still felt as though i failed Syr, and my self. Syr offered me the option to reach orgasm with no time limit, and i reluctantly took it. Having had no orgasms or real release in over a week, i exploded in 1 minute, 15 seconds. Syr said out loud what i had figured out: All my difficulty was inside my head. As i struggled to not hate myself out loud, Syr gently said there are other ways of getting around these difficulties. But it just makes me further ashamed and upset with how my body responds, (or doesn't.)

   Syr and i talked at length yesterday about my disappointment with my body. i am not built to jump right in and take the play like a natural. In fact, my body fights it every friggin' step of the way. While trying to choke back tears, Syr (once again with Patience,) explained to me that even though my body is slow to accept and respond, it doesn't mean that we can't eventually create a body with endurance and stamina. It will just take longer, but it can be done. And even though that is hopeful, it makes me go crazy, feeling so ashamed i cannot be mailable to Syr's needs and wants quickly. Why did i have to get the vanilla body, and the Rocky Road mind? Arrrgh.

   As usual, Syr doesn't see it as a roadblock, She merely sees it time to create a better body for Her use. So in the meantime, everything else is suffering because of my neurosis. For example: Syr's and my morning routine. i always get up before Syr, and i am supposed to exercise, straighten up the house, work on my blog, and shower before waking Her. When She awakens, i am to have fresh ice water and Her medication waiting, Her glasses cleaned and once She is up, have Her clothes waiting out for Her. Then, once She is up, offer myself for a paddling, or spanking,make sure Her ice water is filled, and be on standby for anything She needs. So far, my batting average with any of that being consecutively done is an enormous zero. i don't even know what to say. Syr is so very patient, which just makes it all the worse. 

   i know i have been ragging on myself for days now, i just wish someone could slap the frustration and annoyance out of me. Perhaps i can work out a deal with Syr...prolly would hurt....might not be a bad thing!