Why?

   The last 24 hours have been dramatic- and sometimes not in a good way. Within our circle of friends a relationship broke up and i fear it may drag itself out in a very agonizing fashion.On a politically dramatic point, i have fallen in love with campaigning-for an up and coming politician who wants to take on the lack of rights and protection for all LGBT individuals in our community. She views this lack of protection and rights as a civil rights issue, and it made my heart sing to finally see someone want to take a stand for our community. i met this politician through a dear friend, and i hope i can do much to benefit this woman's campaign.

   Last night i had my own little crisis, and faced a few things i really didn't want to admit. Syr said something in passing to a couple we are getting to know who also live a lifestyle like ours. If i wasn't so sensitive, i would have just taken it with a grain of salt. But my insecurity dragged me down into the depths of my inadequacy. 

   Our friends husband has a high endurance and tolerance for heavy play. As we spoke more about it, my Syr said something that wasn't meant to devastate me, but i as i heard it, it did. Later on while getting ready for bed, i accused Syr of making me feel inadequate with that comment. As i have spoken before, i feel horrible since my body began responding in such a dramatically different way, and play hasn't been easy. Instead of screaming, yelling, and arguing, i allowed my self to cry in front of my Syr, and share with Her my aching anger at myself. Actually being vulnerable and trusting Her with my pain prevented an argument that would have only hurt Us both. We both have known since i developed coital migraines when we first met, my body and its tolerance haven't been the same. Even though it's still a sweet joke, (Syr apologized for being so good and braking me,) i realized there is nothing i physically can do to revert back. 

    For those of you who don't know what "Coital Migraines" are, one develops them with multitudes of orgasms, that build in intensity and volume. Your body cannot take the intensity and it shuts down with blinding headaches that appear just when you are just building to orgasm. Because the eventual result would be a massive stroke or heart attack, it's your bodies way of protecting you from dying. So, i'm sure you can imagine there have many pats on the back for Syr for a job way beyond well done. But it has affected me in many ways. For instance:

   i finally got my nipples pierced two years ago. And while they never once grew infected, my body became so sensitive to the piercings, that within two weeks i couldn't even be held, everything hurt so bad. 

  As only of late, have i been able to orgasm more than once. It has taken Us four years to get back to this point. And even though it isn't the 2 minutes of "rolling orgasms" as i called them, they are intense and beautiful.

   Since my migraines, i have not been able to withstand a good play session. Unfortunately, i have only had one or two since this incident. 

   Syr is patient, and very good to me. While i wailed about my feelings of worthlessness, my loving Wife explained we would just go slow; do a little bit consistently every day. Even if all i could handle was a couple flicks of the whip, or two paddlings, She didn't care how long it took. What She did stress was, it didn't matter to Her. She is so pleased that even through these trials, i am always willing, and always eager. i have only 1 play situation i would never accept. My Wife has said in Her Dominant position, She couldn't ask for a better partner than that. i really listened to my Syr, and like i have been doing lately, actually heard her. Even though i am disturbed by some of my regressing, i am able to catch myself and realize i am getting help, and i will work through my past to reach an even better play space. i agree with Syr also that maybe issues from my past are affecting me overall too. 

   So while we're not frozen in spot like we have been often in the past, i am ever hopeful that just with adjustment and changes we can find a perfect play, D/s relationship that works for us. And maybe if i really work on my wounded little heart, i can be Syr's owned wife, pet, and slave. 

   i feel so grateful for my Wife. i don't think there is anyone out there who would or could have been as patient, calm, kind, and gentle with me as She has been. i love Her so much, i feel like i am going to explode with joy sometimes. i only hope i continue to make Her proud of me. (gush)