i was not at all surprised to see i had not posted anything in about three years. at the time of the last blog, i was pretty much stumbling around in an angry, confused daze, making life most unpleasant for everyone around me, including myself.
i was not comfortable telling the world of my heart's desires to serve my Wife, simply because i was not comfortable in my own skin. so in my opinion, my blog reflected my life; stumbling, lost, disconnected.
in the last three years, the Universe has graced me with a lot, but some of the biggest are the ability to truly begin to trust and love my Wife (whom i also refer to as Maker, or Beest,) and to begin to trust and love myself; a leap of faith that i have yearned for for almost 40 years.
in these growth spurts, i have had to work so very hard at letting go of what i cannot control or create, (which sucks for a German control freak, i mean, seriously.) and learn in the process of letting go to find grace with everyday life, including the grace of being alive.
on one hand, i am amazed how hard it is to be gentle with ourselves. on the other hand, it doesn't strike me as strange that i identify purely as a submissive soul. in fact, my Maker and i refer to me as Her pet, because of the very nature of our relationship.
Maker is 11 years older than me, but is so positive and full of joy, i have never felt the difference. Her devotion, protection, and adoration of me over the past 10 years has been clearly evident since our first date when i..um..passed out in Her lap. She leads a 24/7 sober life, and in turn has been a mentor and a role model for facing my own addictions, mainly food.
the desire to "meet Her halfway" so our marriage and relationship are more balanced has been my goal ever since. and i feel proud to say (shyly) i know i am beginning to meet Her on life's and Love's terms finally. it is damn hard, annoying work. but when i can look in Her eyes, and say "i love You" or "i'm sorry," with no self shame, it is worth it. and knowing i make Her proud of me sustains me like no one else ever has.
you see, i had lived a pretty isolated, hurting life up until i met Maker. and then getting to know Maker, i found She had as well. meeting someone who understands loneliness and heart brake really helps to grow a fast bond. and bond with my Maker i have.
in the 10 years i have stumbled around, sometimes blindly, sometimes too aware, my Maker has been a wise and protective Domme. She has known when to push me, and when to hold me and let me (or make me) cry. She has supported my insecurities, lauded any and all efforts, and called me on my shit everytime i was out of line. (not just in our D/s life, but in the day-to-day grind.)
but what makes Maker such an ideal Wife, and Domme, is her wisdom to not interfere in my self discovery and growth. rather She steps back, quietly observes, and offers guidance when i am truly faltering. this in turn (i have begun to realize) is the very reason i am more confident in myself, making decisions, and learning to trust my own opinions, ideas, and choices. She has, in Her brilliant way, helped me find my voice, and make me realize i want to answer only to Her everyday, with confidence and loving devotion full of joy and love-fire.
so that brings me back to this here simple little blog. i am going to learn how to promote it, to spread the word, and to put my self out in the Internet bloggosphere-no matter how scary it feels. it builds confidence, character, and i'm told will put hair on my teeth.
beginning my blog again had another point as well. i have grown frustrated with the fact that i never can find bloggers who identify as "pets" without an animal reference or lame references to "fake kink play" thrown in. part of the reason i adore the bdsm subworld is the fact that most people try to identify with the traditional "old guard" mindsets, and then find where they curl up and fit in just right.
the facts for me and my life: i see myself as a pet. a pet who loves, adores, worships, idolizes, and yearns to be around her Wife, Maker, Beest 24/7. yet because of our life experiences and lifestyles, we alter it to fit within everyday confines, and ensure we are taking care of our selves mentally, spiritually and emotionally.
my every waking moment revolves around doing and serving my Wife, and adoring and nurturing our feline love child. i would most desire to simply be kept at home, and only go out with Maker when She chooses. unfortunately though, with social phobias to deal with, Maker knows that would not help me to grow as a stable devoted pet; rather i would regress, and the unknown fears would drown me.
the more i came to realize this, i began to see that a "traditional" D/s relationship would not work. rather, learning to work with our strengths instead of struggling with the weaknesses, we end up creating a lovely hybrid relationship that works for us.
i by no means see myself as a slave in the near future. it seems far too scary, and (in O/our eyes) it unfortunately would alter how hard we have worked to connect. however, living submissively, devotedly 24/7 with guidelines that dictate open communication and respect sounds blissfully ideal to both of U/us, and actually feel and seem manageable. and manageable is good!
so for those of you who find my blog, i thank you, and i am open to any interchange, or questions. i sincerely feel one cannot grow without learning about other's experiences. and besides, i too have many, many questions unasked myself. namaste <3 font="">
No comments:
Post a Comment