And have you been a good little submissive this year?

Ha, ha, ha! Now THAT'S funny! How do you come up with funny questions?!? But all joking aside, not well, really. But i'm feeling much better, thank you! i mean i have come to many self discoveries, mainly that this innate feeling to serve and be submissive just won't die. And it's past feeling like i am just sad because i cannot please Rhonda. (the lovely Wifey's name, FYI.) It is now an urge like i know i need it as well. i just want to serve Her. the words hang in every thought, and hide behind everything i say to Her. At the same time, stupid feelings such as "Well, i don't want to put all this trouble, time and effort into it if i don't get something out of it," come oozing to the surface, and my Wife nips it in the bud by saying "That is NOT why you should want to serve. It'll never work. you say you have a desire to be submissive. But if you don't do it for the right reasons, to find inner peace, and to please me, I don't want you to do it at all."
THEN, of course, i feel devastated, like i broke another secret rule in the book on How to be a Super, Duper, Fantastic, Uber submissive. Like i am no farther ahead than i was five years ago. But that kinda thinking destroys any progress; stops it dead in it's tracks. The truth is, even with all the long term sexual problems we have been having, when i finally get rid of my snotty resentments, what i am left with is still wanting to serve my Wife, honor my Wife, make my Wife happy. i want my devotion to show every minute of the day besides in love emails, after sex, or if i happen to be in a good mood. And, as usual, the feelings are ever more prevalent, day after day. I have been trying to choke them, stifle them, smother them with a down pillow, even take 'em out back and shoot 'em in the head. But there they sit, patiently. Like, like a life changing stalker. (I'm trying to make it look scary. Is it working?) The persistence is getting louder and harder to ignore. i would like to add that affordable professional guidance from a therapist trained to deal with lifestyle relationships would be totally freaking awesome, but for now like with all else, i have to make due with what i have at hand. my voice, my writing, my honesty to my patient Wife and with myself. Especially the gentle, patient Wife part, who never tells what she may or may not desire, except for me to be "happy, find my true self and find some peace." i know. i ask myself too why i am such a hose beast to someone who has always has my best interests at heart.
Struggling submissive minds are like tricky, sneaky little ferrets. We always desire, our desire is obsessive, yet we never once get our desired reaction and feeling head on. We kinda go on an alternate, manic, ADHD, silly, stubborn resistant way. And like the ferret, i too hope i find where my secret stash of dream socks are, and revel in them.

So cute, but kinda stoopid.